Recently, I met a woman who had experience in the BDSM community. She shared how dungeons worked, related the depth of the sociological and psychological connection between a submissive and a dominant, extolled the openness found in the negotiations of a scene; she showed me videos, stories, and images. The topic wasn’t alien to me, but had never been taken seriously until this point.
The vast majority of these people don’t get it. They want to, but they don’t understand. If they understood what they were trying to do, they wouldn’t need anything other than their bodies to do it. When I relayed my views to the woman, she looked at me with curiosity, and what seemed to be disapproval.
Dominance isn’t tying someone up, it’s taking over their body, enveloping their thoughts, their emotions, and their orgasms into a container of control. It’s pacing intimate interactions to the point of break for the submissive.
Toys, tools and whatever
Submissives and doms alike, for the most part, have an over-abundance of wares in their tool chests. Ropes, gags, masks, whips, vibrating objects, lotions, flammable liquids, waxes, latex, spikes, collars, chains, knives, costumes, soundtracks — the list goes on and on.
True Domination, on the other hand, includes an abundance of tools that you can’t buy in a store. They are more effective, and far more intimate than a drill gun with a rubber cock attached to the end. The excess of gear and focus on it makes the idea of dominance in the BDSM community a joke, child’s play.
It’s nothing but dress-up time for the half-wits, surrendering an art to the masses by making it accessible fun for the weekend warrior dom and sub.
The toys criminally dilute the art, and the vast majority of dungeons are nothing but a carnival of how diluted the entire experience has become, and a foreshadowing of how much more watered-down it’s going to get.
The process is complicated. The process is involved. The process is delicate. The various calculations and observations that the real dom needs to comprehend and undertake require a level of attention that is atypical among most so-called doms.
The result is the need for safe words, the concept of which is amateur at best. The need for safe words clearly illustrates that most people involved do not care to take the time to get to know a submissive or to develop the understanding required to actually, intuitively, perceive the limits of said sub. It’s a sign that the dom in question substitutes extreme measures in lieu of skill in the art of dominance, measures that could harm or adversely affect a sub.
Want to decimate your partner? Want to be in full possession of their soul and control their entire being and have them submit to you even if they’re not a submissive by nature? It’s involved. It takes attention, it takes observation, it takes a level of knowledge, and it takes a lot of patience:
Get to know your submissive. Get into their heads, discern what makes them tick, what makes them drip, drop, and dive. Arousal can be completed by many methods, and nowhere in our biological existence does it dictate shibari or setting someone on fire.
Read a book on erogenous zones and pressure points. The human body is a fascinating and powerful machine. It’s malleable, it’s bendable, it’s pleasurable. With a little education, your hands and breath become your weapons of defeat.
Patience, personal insight, and mental observation are of the utmost importance for any power dynamic, and engaging without the distraction of gear is extremely important because you must stay attuned to your sub.
If these dress-up doms were more into understanding human nature and truly tearing into their partners (on a level that no toys will ever reach), they would spend less time learning knots best left to sailors and setting up safe words and truly experience what it means to possess someone entirely.
The bottom line is simple: if you know what you’re doing, you’ll dominate; if not, go buy some more toys and tools.
As for the woman I mentioned at the beginning of this piece, she’s sleeping at my feet. But she’ll be up in a moment editing and posting this.
M. Lore doesn’t feel you’re entitled to know more about him than what he has contributed here.