Chris Brown — whether he leaked those photos of himself or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that he may have sent those nude pics to one or several women, in hopes of impressing them. Have you considered it? Probably. But don’t worry. We’ve got your back. Whether you’re a man or a woman, here are five simple guidelines to ensure you never send fail n00dz again. Ever.
(By the way, this article links to examples of pics that are seriously hot and seriously NSFW, so if you’re at work or in the company of people who may object, do not click!)
1. Make sure the person wishes to receive the image.
Surprising the recipient with a picture of your genitals may indicate that you are interested in little more than getting off. You want to ease into it and work up the sexual dialog to image-sharing slowly. Not only will the recipient feel it is more natural, but he or she may also feel more interested in exchanging some of their own sexy photos as well. Never surprise someone who has expressed no interest in you with sexy images. It’s not just tacky — it’s sexual harassment.
2. Understand human desire.
According to a study by Meredith Chivers, a psychology professor at Queen’s University in Ontario, the body of the woman, whether apparently aroused or not, always indicates a possibility of sex. This is not the same for the body of the man.
A penis that is not erect is, put simply, a penis that doesn’t desire you. Women in the study referenced above were more turned on by bonobos having sex than they were by images of a gorgeous man walking naked but without an erection. Basically — if you’re going to send a picture of your cock, make sure it is rock hard. And remember: it doesn’t hurt to indicate that thinking of the recipient is what caused the epic boner.
In the case of a woman sending images, labia glistening with moisture will help illustrate desire as well (see an example). An image showing penetration, either with a finger or something else, may also leave a more lasting impression.
3. Art is the better subterfuge.
If for some reason you’re not comfortable with your penis size, the much better option is to take the artistic route than to offer a half-erect member, hoping the recipient will assume that the cock gets bigger. The imagination is a wonderful thing. Play around with angles and darkness. People have been taking full advantage of these on MySpace for ages to hide their body shapes. If they can do it, so can you. It also helps to take pictures that show nothing but the cock, so that there is nothing with which to make a comparison. Yes, that includes your own hand.
Girls, play with lights during your photo shoot. A nice bright light will wash away ingrown hairs and other imperfections. Whatever you do, do not light from directly above or directly below. Red light is, as always, the number one choice for flattering lighting of the body — hence the predominance of its use in places of “ill repute.”
And remember, you don’t have to strip down completely to send a sexy pic. In fact, sometimes not stripping down is considerably sexier. It’s the Jedi mind trick of eroticism.
4. Cum on request.
People’s delight with cum varies. While a glistening drop of precum on the tip may be exhilarating, a giant splotch of cum on the stomach may not elicit the same response. If you do decide to go for a pop shot, remember cum has a tendency to “melt,” so you have to act fast and get it while it’s fresh! You don’t want weird, runny-looking cum, do you? If your cum is too thick or a off-color, consider your diet. A healthy, balanced diet leads to healthy, inviting ejaculate. That’s what you want to show.
As far as women go, there is only one image we have ever seen that really showcases ejaculation. As we mentioned, this kind of stuff is very creative, so you have to make sure the audience is right. Ready? Go look.
5. Accidental accessories can be grounds for immediate fail.
Unless you want to imply you’re about to have sex with someone else, don’t use a condom in the pic. Yeah, yeah, so it’s a Magnum and you’re proud. So what? The idea of a soon-to-be sheathed penis is nowhere nearly as exciting as a veiny monster rising between your legs. For women, unless there is some kind of period fetishism involved, remember to remove the tampon.
Oh, and if you are going to let the picture have a bit of background (say, if you use a mirror), make sure the space is clean. Yes, people notice these things. Even if there is a wildly erect dick or glistening pussy involved.
It might seem like a lot of work just to send a little image, but it can do wonders to take a little time with it. Besides, you never know if those pics are going to end up in the wrong hands. Wouldn’t you rather they were something to be proud of?
Yeah. That’s what we thought.