Spirituality vs. Religion in the Bedroom

Women seeking to connect with the transcendent have more sex, more sexual partners, and are less likely to use a condom.

That’s one way to read the results of a finding from a recent study from the University of Kentucky. Now, most of our empirical knowledge in psychology comes from experiments on white mice and undergrads, and this study is no exception: it was performed on 353 students “attending a large public university.”

Of those students, 88 percent were Caucasian, 82 percent were Protestant or Catholic, and the mean age was 20, with nobody over 29, so we’re talking about a young, predominantly white, predominantly Christian sample.

Given that kind of sample, it seems like a stretch to generalize this study into a catchy headline like “Spiritual Women Have More Sex” (like LiveScience did) or “Is Spirituality Harmful to Women’s Sexual Health?” (like Science and Religion Today did). Nonetheless, it is an interesting study.

Here are the findings, in all their academic glory:

Consistent with previous literature, religiousness was negatively associated with participants’ lifetime number of sexual partners and frequency of vaginal sex. […] Spirituality, on the other hand, demonstrated consistent and positive associations with female participants’ number of sexual partners, frequency of vaginal sex, and frequency of sex without a condom.

In non-academic speak: young women who are religious have less sex, but young women who are spiritual have more. After hearing about this study, my initial reaction was that spirituality was probably associated with other behaviors—drinking, drugs, etc.—which were really accounting for the difference. That’s certainly the impression my college experience has left me with. The researchers in this study were apparently thinking the same thing, though, because they checked for that. Even above and beyond these other factors, spirituality and sex seem to go hand in hand, whereas religiousness seems to repel sexual partners. So if religiousness and spirituality lead to opposite sex lives, what’s the difference between religious and spiritual takes on sex?

The measure of someone’s religiousness was based on test containing questions like this: “My religious beliefs lie behind my whole approach to life.” That question would be rated from 1 (not at all true) to 5 (totally true). The goal of this test is to figure out how much someone adheres day-to-day to their practices and beliefs.

The spirituality questions, on the other hand, measured a “personal search for connection with a larger sacredness.” Questions were things like: “In the quiet of my prayers and/or meditations, I find a sense of wholeness.”

So “religiousness” here is a measure of adherence to some set of standards, whereas “spirituality” here is searching for connectedness, a sense of universality, or an expectation of prayer fulfillment. According to this study’s data, it’s that first part of spirituality—connectedness—which the women seem to be searching for in both spirituality and in sex. That connectedness is unique to spirituality as opposed to religiousness: people who rated high in “connectedness” rated low in religiousness, but those who rated high in “universality” and “prayer fulfillment” also rated high on religiousness.

Like religiousness, universality and prayer fulfillment seemed to put a damper on the amount of sex: apparently women expecting “Dear God” to work in the church don’t work the “Oh God” in the bedroom.

By the way, the story for the men in this study is quite a bit different—spirituality has no association with the number of sexual partners or condom use, and is actually associated with less frequent sex. The paper’s authors find this unsurprising since “having sex to achieve emotional intimacy and union is relatively unique to women,” a fact that’s surprising to this emotional-intimacy-and-union-seeking man.

What do you think of the findings?

Image by Gisela Giardino.

Fusing Food and Sensuality: The Sex on a Plate Movement

Food blogger Jennifer Iannolo has been writing about how food ties into sensuality since 2004 when she wrote her first manifesto, On Food and Sensuality. Of course these days, she’s doing a little more than writing about the concept.

Beginning in her home state of New York, Iannolo is planning to kick off a series of events nationwide to bring sensuality back to your palate. Guess which metropolis follows New York City on this Sex on a Plate extravaganza? That’s right. Los Angeles. We’ll bring you the deets as they become available. But remember: you heard it here first.

“‘Sex on a plate’ comes from my first manifesto, On Food and Sensuality, written in 2004 when I discovered that the pre-consumption sight and/or smell of certain foods evokes a visceral reaction in me that is so sensually satisfying, the eating is almost an afterthought,” Iannolo says, quickly adding: “Almost.”

And because we don’t do anything half-ass, we’re bringing you the original photo that was used in the flier. Just promise us you won’t show up at any of the Sex on a Plate events assuming you’re going to a food orgy. Unless I invite you as my plus-one, of course. Then, baby, it’s on.

Yeah, that’s miss food blogger herself. Bet now you wanna follow her on Twitter, too, don’tcha? @foodphilosophy. Uh huh. You’re welcome.

Image from Kelly Cline. Information from Food Philosophy.

To Be Loved, You Must Love Yourself First? Not Necessarily

“Remember the story of the princess and the frog?” asks psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. “We can all turn into something charming when we let ourselves be loved.”

His piece on Psychology Today’s Emotional Fitness blog is worth noting for all of you starting anew this year:

There is a psychological myth going around that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. The real truth is that many people learn to love themselves by first being loved by another.

If you never had a loving family, it’s more difficult to build healthy self-esteem. Appropriate affection from another person may be the magic touch you need to actually believe that you are loveable. When someone you admire gives his or her heart to you; it makes you feel cherished and in turn you learn to love yourself.

I know a number of people who were only able to develop self-love after someone who made them feel worthwhile came into their lives. For many, this love blossomed into a healthy and life long relationship. For others, it was an experience that put them on a path to finding their true purpose in life.

In many support groups one of the things that helps a person to recover is that the group loves the individual until he or she can love themselves. This is also one of the ways in which therapy helps individuals to heal from depression, loss and addiction.

Information from Psychology Today.

China Running Out Of Women (You’re Surprised?)

Well-known for its bias toward male children and gender-specific abortions, it comes as no surprise to us here at Sex and the 405 that by 2020 Chinese men will have no one to woo or wed.

A study by the government-backed Chinese Academy of Social Sciences found that gender imbalance among newborns is the most serious demographic problem facing the country’s population of 1.3 billion.

The latest figures show that for every 100 girls born in China, 119 boys are born. However, the study found that in some areas, the ratio was as high as 130 males for every 100 females.

Wang Guangzhou, a researcher active in the study, said that men living in less-prosperous areas of China could find themselves marrying later in life or remaining unmarried all their lives.

“The chance of getting married will be rare if a man is more than 40 years old in the countryside,” Wang said. “They will be more dependent on social security as they age and have fewer household resources to rely on.”

The government policy introduced in 1979 of encouraging married couples not to have more than one child has contributed to the problem, the study said, as well as China’s insufficient social security system. There’s also a reluctance among young urban Chinese to have a first or second child.

As a result of this imbalance, abductions, trafficking of women, and sexual slavery have become commonplace, in areas that are now beginning to feel the impact.

Information from The Sphere.

The LA Times Gets Kinky (In Name Only)

As we all know, the LA Times has a new section for all the late-breaking news that were once in the paper. They decided to name it LATextra, short for Los Angeles Times Extra. Makes sense, right?

Unless you’re a member of the more literary BDSM community, of course. If you are, the name immediately conjures LateXtra, the fetish rag by Skin Two (ah! Skin Two, fond memories of my high school years when I was just discovering some of my cravings had a name).

From Island of Pain:

LateXtra (the fetish mag) can be downloaded here. LATextra (the newspaper supplement) will soon be available somewhere behind the A section in the LA Times, but it will cost you 75 cents.

Information via Island of Pain.

Ink on Skin Indicates Sin? (LOL)

If you’re worried what your mom will say about your girlfriend’s tramp stamp, you can fear no more–research is on your side!

A new study by researchers at Texas Tech University who studied piercings and tats for the last decade suggests the relationship between body art and deviant behavior is significant only for those who have adorned their exteriors in extreme ways. The paper, just published in The Social Science Journal, reports that the relationship between body modification and deviant behavior is only significant for those who have gone to the extreme.

Researchers surveyed 1,753 students from four American colleges (two state schools and two highly selective religious institutions) and found 37 percent reported at least one piercing and 14 percent were tattooed.

Four percent reported having seven or more piercings, four or more tattoos, and/or at least one piercing in their nipples or genitals.

Aside from their tats and piercings, the students surveyed answered questions about drug and alcohol use, sexual activity and whether they cheat on tests.

The findings suggest there is a distinct difference in deviance between students with just one tattoo and those with four or more, and between those with just one to three piercings or seven or more.

“The level of deviance reported by respondents with low levels of body art is much closer to those with none than to those with multiple tattoos and piercings, or intimate piercings,” said sociologist Jerome Koch, the paper’s lead author. “Results indicate that respondents with four or more tattoos, seven or more body piercings, or piercings located in their nipples or genitals, were substantially and significantly more likely to report regular marijuana use, occasional use of other drugs, and a history of being arrested for a crime. Less pronounced, but still significant in many cases, was an increased propensity for those with higher incidence of body art to cheat on college work, binge drink and report having had multiple sex partners over the course of their lifetime.”

Tom Jacobs writes at Mullen-McCune:

The researchers suggest the traditional subculture of piercing and tattoos, traditionally associated with deviant behavior, has been “encroached upon from the outside” by the increasing acceptance of body art. So those who feel a part of this subculture “may need to modify or extend their behavior to maintain social distance.” Ergo, nipple piercings.

So, that butterfly on your sophomore’s ankle is not a sign she is hanging out with the wrong crowd. But if she comes home for spring break covered from head to toe, start worrying.

I guess that means my un-pierced, single-tattooed self a mainstream. Sweet.

Image by Doug Sparks. Information from Miller-McCune.

Menu of Delights

OMG! Remember when you could get laid with a finger up your ass from $3.50?! Me neither. I think that’s what makes vintage finds like these so much fun.

ENTER WITH CASH IN HAND AND TOOL IN THE OTHER. Uh huh, right to the point–just the way we like it every now and again.

Menu via Kinky Delight.

OK On The Cover, Not In The Office

Condé Nast is down when it comes to a little skin in their rags, but God forbid anyone show any in the workplace. According to Mediabistro, a Bride magazine employee was recently laid off for showing her boob job to two female colleagues who were personal friends.

Mind you, no actual flashing occurred. Reports indicate that the employee in question kept her sports bra on. Though the incident occurred in her private office, behind closed doors, people got wind of it and soon, HR was involved. The woman was dismissed immediately with no severance and it appears that Condé Nast is now looking into revoking her unemployment benefits as well.

Lame.

Image from Tthe Real Malingering. Information from Mediabistro.

Why Does He Need To Masturbate To Porn When He Has Me?

As someone who writes about sex and relationships (despite the fact that most people who read my column can generally come to the correct conclusion that I know very little about the latter) I am asked about how to deal with the private use of pornography by men quite frequently.

I’m going to be honest about this–once upon a time, it bothered me, too. I was in a relationship that I considered more than sexually adequate and one day, I walked in on my boyfriend getting off watching porn. I couldn’t understand it–was I doing something wrong? Was he lacking something? Also, WTF. I was in the next room and he couldn’t even invite me in to participate? What kind of bull is that?

I chewed him out.

And since I have had a blog since I was, like, five (total exaggeration, by the way, but close enough), I ran over to the computer and asked my humble couple hundred readers what the deal was. And that’s when I found out from several married, older women what was then the shocking truth and what I will tell you now: “honey, don’t panic. It has nothing to do with you.”

Mark Goulston, a couple’s counselor over at Psychology Today offers his take on it:

You might not like what I am going to say, but please hear me out. For women, verbally venting their frustrations is a great stress reliever. No one knows why; it just is. Well, for men, an orgasm is a great stress reliever (not to say that that isn’t also the case for women). No one knows why; it just is (Actually in an upcoming Usable Insight, you will discover that there is a reason why these work, based on recent findings in neuroscience).

There are two kinds of sex — sex with love and sex just for sex’s sake. Many husbands feel guilty about having sex just for sex’s sake with their wives, because they feel like they are using her as a thing (as opposed to making love to the person they care about).

So instead of using their wives as things, many men use pornography and masturbation (and often feel ashamed or even pathetic for doing so – one man in a couple’s session when confronted yelled in embarrassment, “Meet Hilda!” and pointed to his right hand).

I’m not advocating it or saying it’s a wonderful practice, I’m just saying it’s fairly common and not always unhealthy. Pornography and masturbation (in moderation) have probably saved more marriages than they have hurt. I think it’s pretty sad, but it’s just a fact of modern life. The trick of course is to do it in moderation rather than letting it become a full time substitution for real sex.

To give you an idea of the stress men feel, one man asked me a few months ago if I knew what the definition of a shower was. I told him I didn’t. He told me: “A shower is the place where grown men go to cry when they’re afraid they can’t keep the promise they made to their wives and children to always take care of them and don’t want their family to see how afraid they are.”

If you can show your husband that you understand the pressure and responsibilities on him, he may feel less alone and less stressed out. And if he feels less stressed out, he may not need to resort to pornography as much. Take him aside and say to him: “Nobody, including me, knows how awful the pressure from all your responsibilities makes you feel. And nobody, including me, knows that sometimes — even though you love me and our children — you wish you could be single and have nobody to worry about but you. Isn’t that true, honey? I’m sorry it’s so tough.”

From there, you may be able to start a dialog about what is worrying him and help him find positive ways of dealing with the pressures in his life.

Information from Psychology Today.

To Sir With Love

My boyfriend/owner (S) and I recently separated and I found myself unowned and uncollared. An old lover showed up soon after for lots of sex, but I still missed S’s loving torture.

And then Sir M entered my life.

A self-described “hedonistic sadist,” Sir M is a highly regarded VIP in the local BDSM scene. He looks for “play partners” (for BDSM play) and has trained many people like me to be submissives or slaves. We traded several e-mails and a friend in the scene gave him a great referral so I felt more comfortable. We agreed to meet and discuss. I’m rather new to this so I had no idea what to expect.

I Met Sir at a family restaurant right off the 405

He sent me precise instructions of where and when to meet him. Finally–a man who can make decisions for me! I love that. I hopped on the 405 to rendezvous at a nondescript family restaurant.

He had instructed me to sit on the bench and wait. This positioned me facing the restaurant, with my back to the parking lot so I couldn’t see who was approaching me. I arrived first, terrified of what punishment I might suffer if I was late. Sir M was coming on the 405 from the opposite direction, and got caught in some traffic. I waited nervously, texting friends and family with double entendre greetings like “sorry I couldn’t call yesterday–I got tied up!” Suddenly I realized He was behind me, trying to read my texts over my shoulder.

We had a “getting to know you” discussion, and then he let me know what I’d be in for if I chose to train with him to be a submissive. The idea is that he would train me and help me look for a new “master,” at which time the new guy would take over. In the meantime I’d be under Sir M’s “protection” and any guy in the scene would have to approach me through him. Also since he pretty much knows everyone, if I see someone I’m interested in, I could ask him to approach the guy. It sounded like an old-fashioned and highly ritualized kinky method of courtship.

Sir M has three basic rules for me

Sir M explained his basic rules of protocol:

1. When addressing him always begin or end each sentence with “Sir.”
2. Always walk 1-2 steps behind him on his left side. I become his left hand, opening doors for him, holding things, etc.

Then he looked me straight in the eye and told me his third rule:

3. NEVER look him in the eye. Look down at his shoulder level.

I immediately snapped my gaze down from his. Talking to someone’s shoulder is a challenge when you’ve been making eye contact all your life. But in being forced to speak that way my character immediately changed–my voice got quieter, my speech less assertive. It did help put me in the submissive mindset.

The hardest thing was to keep from giggling when inserting “Sir” into every sentence. Jumping into this role-playing while at a family restaurant at lunchtime made me feel like a delusional gamer confusing World of Warcraft with real life.

“YOU THINK THAT’S FUNNY?,” he barked when I stifled my giggles into my hand and turned away.

He got up and grabbed my chin, smacked my cheek, and repeated, “YOU THINK THAT’S FUNNY?”

Stunned, I mumbled, “No Sir,” with my eyes fixed on the table. He walked off to the restroom.

My cheek stung and heart pounded. I got my first taste of how it would be in training with Sir M.

Daisy TraLaLA (@DaisyTraLaLA) is a saucy Angelino kinkster who glides with ease between the worlds of tech, art, cuisine, electronica and dungeon parties. Check back every Tuesday for posts from her journey to the most divine surrender.