September 22, 2010

Jackie or Marilyn

Diary, Ma Cherie 3 Comments

A week ago a Twitter user asked the perennial question, “Jackie or Marilyn?” Would you rather be the elegant, stylish idol Jackie O, or sexpot goddess Marilyn Monroe? (For the younger generation, Team Jennifer or Angelina?) Virgin/slut, wife/mistress, girlfriend/hook-up, whatever paradigm you use to explain the roles available to women in society. They always boil down to good girl versus bad girl. Which one are you? An even better question, which one would you be?*

I remarked to my friend as she introduced me to her friends last night that I had not heard my real name uttered in a long time. I go by a pseudonym for my domina name, and, as such, adopted it when partying in the scene. I also use it for online dating with only casual prospects or with my overtly sexy secondary profile (I know OkCupid prohibits this, so sue me). I haven’t developed any dissociative disorders as of yet but it’s early.

Kidding aside, I do feel the conflict between my vanilla self (which should be my real self) and my fetishist self. It can be hard to ascertain what you want and what you are looking for in a relationship or sexual/play partner when those qualities can be totally different depending on which side you’re talking about. How do I reveal my kinky side to relationship-material prospects for my vanilla, good girl self? How do I get relationship-worthy prospects when I lead with my lifestyle as conversation?

One of my Twitter followers said my blog description contained an oxymoron. I can’t be a narcissistic romantic or a romantic narcissist. I told him to suck it, and then I explained that I really embraced those aspects, along with my other label as a fetishist. I’m living proof that it is possible to be a kinky romantic or a romantic fetishist. It simply means that I want flowers and sincere tokens of love along with my bondage and anal play.

I thought I’d found one of those guys who could accept the good girl/bad girl parts in Shaw. He was the bartender I’d attempted to date from Labor Day weekend. That prospect crashed and burned pretty quickly by Thursday after the holiday. We met while drinking a few beers and smoking in the bar I always frequent because of Bar Boss. B.B. had no idea we were talking ever since Jr. Bar Boss introduced us.

Well, fuck me over with a wooden spoon, I was so surprised when Shaw texted me he was canceling our date that Thursday. Oh, get ready for the reason: “Didn’t know you slept with B.B. I don’t date girls who hook up with my friends.” Monkey balls. After a flurry of texts, I told him that he shouldn’t be surprised since he met me in that bar: “Chances are girls you meet have slept with B.B. or Jr. B.B.” No matter how I tried to explain how it didn’t even count (never heard of the five minute rule?), he didn’t budge from his “rule.” I told him he was losing out on something good by penalizing me for one night of bad judgment five months ago. I then BBM’d B.B.: “I hate your dick!”

Second rejection happened less than seven days afterward. One of the guys I was dating previously and I had started talking again. He told me he needed time to mull over this “new, interesting” part of me after our date. I kid you not: he dropped me less than 12 hours after making out with me and wanting to take me home for sex. Let’s say I gave goodbye make-out kisses around 1:30AM. By 12:30PM the next day, he was done, dude.

Overly polite, he made the longest and nicest brush-off I’ve heard in a while. He couldn’t handle my lifestyle and kinky aspects in a relationship and yet, he also couldn’t sleep with me casually without having “emotional hiccups.” He was very close to being straight-edge as a recovering alcoholic so I respected his over-analyzed decision, even as I thought how much more stereotypically girly he sounded. (My friend asked where he was hiding his vagina.) Great, thanks for not giving me dick.

I won’t even go into the rest of the week and how I didn’t get dick three more times. All I can say is that I have high standards for emotional intimacy. Sex should be fun and easier to achieve in this Craigslist, casual connections world we live in. How can it be that my good girl can’t find love and now my bad girl can’t get sex? Do I stay the course as Jackie and surprise them with my kinky Marilyn? Or do I get their attention with my skirt-flying Marilyn and keep them with my girlfriend-material Jackie? The challenge lies in having men (and women) see my quirky girlfriend parts of my personality along with my bad-girl looks or sexy self.

I’m taking on that challenge now with Future Doctor.

My fellow domme Chris said, “No one I know likes anyone anymore.” I nodded in full agreement until I remembered my one exception for the moment, F.D. The last time I slept with him, I mentally kicked myself in the vag for liking him so much. I worry that he will only see me as hook-up material because he calls me “damn sexy” and we haven’t had any recent dates that didn’t involve sex.

Hard to show my cards all at once to a man who fills my boyfriend check-off requirements well. I desperately want to be his Jackie who gets the midday texts of “Thinking of you. Have a great day” on top of being his Marilyn, who gets pussy-pounded three times in one night/morning-after. Tall order, right?

*P.S. My complicated answer is I aspire to be Jackie but I settle for being Marilyn.

Ma Cherie (@CherieDAmour) is in the market for a boy/girlfriend, kinky sex partner, willing slave, and sugar daddy, though not necessarily in that order. When not working as a dominatrix, Ma Cherie is cruising online dating sites, hitting up fetish parties, and regularly pleasuring herself. Unironically, her favorite song is “Kiss With A Fist.”


We're your creatures, putting to words things to inform you, amuse you, educate you and move you. Be nice to us, we already have a cruel mistress in our editrix. We say that with love, of course, we do love her whip.

More Posts

  • Laura

    Ma Cherie, don’t ever settle. A good friend once said this to me, and I now pass that nugget along to you. You can certainly be both Jackie and Marilyn, but it takes the right person to see it. You need a complicated lover with complications of his own to accept that. He’s out there (or maybe he’s a she?), but don’t ever settle for less than you deserve.

  • James

    Fortunately, I don’t have to pick. My girl might not be a Marilyn yet, but she’s definitely trying to get better at the whole sex thing.

  • Abigail

    We all want our version of “flowers and sincere tokens of love along with my bondage and anal play.” But it’s so true, it seems to be harder and harder to come by. It’s at the point now where I get off of a few flirty emails–don’t (and can’t seem) to expect more than that. Meh. :-)


Add our page on Google+!

Keep up with everything we're covering right in your stream. Please note this page is limited to users 18+.


Gamers Won’t Be Seduced, Will Stare At Random Cleav Instead

That Steam allows the objectification and sexualization of female characters in a variety of its games but refuses to accept a game about actually engaging with women in a more interactive fashion is astonishingly backward.

FetLife Is Not Safe for Users

That the site doesn’t take measures to protect user content and has shown incompetence or negligence in regard to user privacy, all the while prohibiting victims from warning others about predatory behavior creates an environment where it is nearly impossible for members of the community to take care of themselves and one another. By enabling FetLife to continue espousing a code of silence, allowing the spinning self-created security issues as “attacks,” and not pointing out how disingenuous FetLife statements about safety are, we are allowing our community to become a breeding ground for exploitation.

Why You Should Vote No On Prop 35

Should people who benefit (parents, siblings, children, roommates!) from the earnings of “commercial sex acts” (any sexual conduct connected to the giving or receiving of something of value) be charged with human trafficking? Should someone who creates obscene material that is deemed “deviant” be charged as with human trafficking? Should someone who profits from obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should people transporting obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should a person who engages in sex with someone claiming to be above the age of consent or furnishing a fake ID to this effect be charged with human trafficking? What if I told you the sentences for that kind of conviction were eight, 14 or 20 years in prison, a fine not to exceed $500,000, and life as a registered sex offender?

Pretty and Calls Herself a Geek? Attention Whore!

If you are a woman, you might be given a chance to prove yourself in this community. Since there is no standard definition of what a “geek” is and it will vary from one judge to the next anyway, chances of failing are high (cake and grief counseling will be available after the conclusion of the test!). If you somehow manage to succeed, you’ll be tested again and again by anyone who encounters you until you manage to establish yourself like, say, Felicia Day. But even then, you’ll be questioned. As a woman, your whole existence within the geek community will be nothing but a series of tests — if you’re lucky. If you aren’t lucky, you’ll be harassed and threatened and those within the culture will tacitly agree that you deserve it.

Cuddle Chemical? Moral Molecule? Not So Fast

Zak’s original field, it turns out, is economics, a far cry from the hearts and teddy bears we imagine when we consider his nickname. But after performing experiments on generosity, Zak stumbled on the importance of trust in interactions, which led him, rather inevitably, to research about oxytocin. Oxytocin, you might remember, is a hormone that has been linked previously to bonding — between mothers and children primarily, but also between partners. What Zak has done is take the research a step further, arguing in his recent book, The Moral Molecule, that oxytocin plays a role in determining whether we are good or evil.

How to Avoid Pissing off a Stripper

Let’s talk about the strippers. Whether they like to be half-naked or not, whether they enjoy turning you on or not, there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re working. Whether you think that taking one’s clothes off for money is a great choice of career is really beside the point (is it a possibility for you to make $500 per hour at your job without a law degree? Just asking). These women are providing fantasy, yes, but that is their job. And as a patron of the establishment where they work, you need to treat them like you would anyone else who provides a service to you.


Send us news!

AV Flox

In-House Theologian:
Robert Fischer

Eros and Desire Scholar:
Dawn Kaczmar

Scientific Consultant:
Jason Goldman

East Coast Liaison:
Jackie Summers

Barbie Davenporte

Read about the contributors we've had over time on our staff page.

Follow SAT405 on:


Hosted by (mt)


Sex and the 405 is what your newspaper would look like if it had a sex section.

Here you’ll find news about the latest research being conducted to figure out what drives desire, passion, and other sex habits; reviews of sex toys, porn and other sexy things; coverage of the latest sex-related news that have our mainstream media's panties up in a bunch; human interest pieces about sex and desire; interviews with people who love sex, or hate sex, or work in sex, or work to enable you to have better sex; opinion pieces that relate to sex and society; and the sex-related side of celebrity gossip. More...