Submitting to the will of another has taught me the bliss of surrender. The ecstasy I experience in serving an elite but demanding Dom cannot be reached in any other way.
But as I go deeper in surrender, I’ve taken some missteps in my journey that have led to misery and threatened my service to Sir M.
Last week’s story ended in a precarious place, with me stumbling over my own ego, trying to control the situation, and enraging Sir M. I punished myself and Sir M punished me further by threatening to release me.
However, he recognized that in bringing my problem to him I was following the principle of transparency, even if I approached it incorrectly.
Transparency means hiding nothing from Sir M, even if it is embarrassing or puts me in a negative light. He can use this information at his discretion, but he can’t make informed decisions if I don’t tell him everything that goes through my mind.
He first punished me by keeping his distance and letting me stew about my situation. It was torturous.
When I next saw him he bound my wrists with black rope and used the rest of the rope to tie me to an armchair. I wore only stockings, high heels, and a garter corset. I had to watch Sir M do a scene with a heavy masochist, and he knows that is difficult for me.
I winced as he whacked her with his most threatening paddles, canes and straps. He laid into her so hard she almost couldn’t take it… and I felt complicit in that painful scene too.
It was a great relief when that was over.
I thought I might be next, but instead he withheld any play or contact with him.
“I hate to say it, but you look hot. You CUNT!”
He smacked my bottom and sent me home.
After the punishment came the behavior modification.
Learning from my failures
I am fortunate to be in service to an extremely wise and experienced Dom who has been patient in my training as a submissive. He holds his ground and doesn’t waver when I try to flex my power. But he also gives me the tools to better myself when problems arise.
He forced me to do some painful introspection but I came through it humbled and stronger. My fuck up pointed out areas where I needed improvement.
“Our failures in slavery…reveal our weaknesses and can help us grow into a deeper submission. Our ‘failures’ define our growing edge.” – Guy Baldwin’s Slavecraft.
Sir M told me to take my ego out of the equation. After all, its about him and not me.
As soon as he pointed that out my attitude completely shifted and everything fell into its proper place. Suddenly my fears and insecurities seemed ridiculous.
Somehow in my emotional mess I had lost sight of humility — a crucial principle of slavery. Slavery is about selflessness, not selfishness as I was demonstrating.
I had to cultivate humility again with honest introspection to discover the origin of my jealous reaction.
Sir M worked with me to get to the root of what was troubling me. He assigned me to read through and complete exercises from a “Practical Jealousy Management” worksheet, geared to people in poly relationships.
Having to complete a Jealousy worksheet was a blow to my ego because I pride myself on not being a jealous person (in the more traditional sense). I love to share my partners sexually with others, and don’t believe that monogamy is natural. I was excited about the possibility of entering a poly relationship and couldn’t understand why I was having negative thoughts.
In going through the exercises I had to examine the real triggers of my emotional hot buttons.
I found that my emotional reaction to my current situation was actually rooted in baggage attached to my vanilla family dynamic.
I have just one sibling, a younger sister, who always got special treatment from my dad when I didn’t. She didn’t go the route of college or career like me; but had a child at 18 and was a widowed single mom by 21.
My father took pity and showered her with support and gifts. It set up a dynamic of her being completely dependent on him and not wanting to wean off of his support, and me being resentful because all the attention and generosity was directed to her. He assumed that because I was strong and self-sufficient I didn’t need any care or help, but that wasn’t always the case.
Now I’m in a new dynamic with a “daddy” (older) Dom and a younger (potential) sub-sister who is fragile and requires a lot more attention than me. This has no bearing on my real family, yet I was allowing that old resentment to seep into this new relationship without realizing it. And it was poisoning something for me that is beautiful and precious.
That breakthrough helped me sort through the emotional clutter and reconnect with my submissive self so I can better serve Sir M. It also brought me closer to my real sister since I was forced to confront old resentments.
I re-read the section on “Humility” in my guiding book, Slavecraft to get myself re-centered.
The strong slave
Each time I pick up Slavecraft I come upon another thought that speaks to my soul. I may have read the passage several times before, but as my surrender deepens, each reading brings new insights.
Here is one that stopped me cold:
Masters… often get more pleasure when mastering a slave who is strong, either physically, mentally or both. The submission seems to mean more somehow. Typically, the stronger, more resourceful, and more powerful a slave is, the more valuable he is to his Master.
Sometimes I fear that my strong personality and tendency toward control gets in the way of my call to submission.
But Sir M sees the value and potential in me as a slave-in-training. There is hope for me!