I know how this works. I know how indecision pushes him to dilute his implications. I know all this shit very well. I like to say “let’s play it by ear.” He likes to say “let’s go with the flow.”
It’s my fault. I’m too easily drawn into fantasy and expectation these days. I want to find meaning in a look. I manipulate because I want the reaction, and then when I get it I can’t handle it. The problem is he turned out to be really cool and smart and could match me word for word. And fucking hot. I wanted him to be dumb and hot. I just wanted to fuck. I wanted it to be easy and cool. I didn’t want to know him. I didn’t want complications. I don’t want to feel jealous or insecure.
I really am a nice girl. I am sweet and everyone loves me. I inspire some kind of protective instinct in my friends. I try to be dirty and flirtatious and guys like it but I’m never brave enough to follow through.
But I want to fuck him. I want to be his good girl turned bad. I want him to pull my head back by my hair and I want his mouth on my neck, hard. I want his hands and mouth on my tits. I want his hand against my face when his cock is in my mouth. I want to gag when he pushes my head down and then I want to taste him when he comes, hot against my tongue, salty. I want to swallow, and swallow. I want him inside me hard, pushing up, deeper, slowly then faster.
I want to be sore the next day, and the next. I want to be fucked like a whore, like he’s paying for it. I want to feel him dripping out of me later, down the inside of my leg. I want to smell it in the shower. I want to be punished like I deserve it. I want to be marked.
So it’s a problem, and I don’t know if I want to risk it. And he’s ambivalent anyway. I’m used to getting what I want without very much effort. But it’s not working for me right now, and I’m frustrated and impatient and unsure.
I showed this to him and he said, “this could be an ongoing story.”
“I don’t know,” I said, “let’s play it by ear.”
Nikki Thomas was born and raised in Los Angeles. She was a straight A student who couldn’t follow the rules and spent as much time in the principal’s office as in the library. At university she opted not to join a sorority and instead filled her free time cruising Hollywood bars and parties, hooking up and getting down. Nikki is a bad girl with a heart of gold. These are her stories — consider it our Monday treat for you.