March 16, 2010

Dating for Kinksters

Daisy, Diary No Comments

Before I discovered my enthusiasm for BDSM and embarked on my journey as a submissive, I dated and mated as most vanilla people do: dated guys I met through friends, fucked guys I met at bars, married a guy I was set up with by a coworker. Each scenario differed depending on my goals at that moment. After the divorce, my goals drastically changed — I was no longer looking for a husband or life partner, but just wanted to have fun and make up for all the sex that my marriage lacked. This was also the beginning of my sexual awakening.

After a good long ride of lots of sex with lots of hot younger guys (a stripper, a porn star, a surfer, a playboy, etc.) and no intention of settling down, I somehow fell into a relationship with a guy I’d met at a swing party. What was meant to be a three-day fling lasted the better part of four or five years.

Daisy tries online dating

As that ended I was urged by a friend to sign up for an online dating site for “alternative” people. I wrote an upbeat profile that demonstrated my quirkiness and my smarts. I wasn’t an easy fit by any means — most men were intimidated by my accomplishments, worldliness and hyper-sexuality.

And I was over 35, which, in L.A., is toxic.

Eventually I coupled up with a nice guy whose hobbies were building BDSM dungeon furniture and collecting tattoos. Some kinksters were amazed that we’d met through a vanilla dating site, but he was clearly looking for someone outside of the small local BDSM scene.

That relationship ran its course and although he and I didn’t work out, he did a great deed in introducing me to BDSM. I also realized that I wasn’t going to be happy any longer in a vanilla relationship. I needed a Dom-lover-boyfriend to call my own. Someone who would lovingly torture me, care for me and curl up with me at night.

SWF seeks like-minded pervert for LTR

If I was a hard match before, I am an even harder match now because the BDSM requirement limits my opportunities drastically. Online dating is a strange beast, but for a fragmented niche population such as the BDSM community, it totally makes sense.

I signed up for a site I’d call the of the kinky set. My profile talked a lot about what I’m looking for in a long-term relationship, as well as my BDSM experience, likes and dislikes.

“Seeking physically active, sophisticated Dom for LTR; prefer a funky fun-loving foodie like myself, who will flog me and then fuck me hard.”

Easy, right?

New world order

Being the new girl on the site I got a flurry of messages at first. Some were short, crude messages from Doms with intimidating screen names like BrutalDaddy4U, MasterSadist, BigFatDick and FetchTheWhip. I’d check their profiles to learn more, and discard most of them.

“I need a sick and twisted cunt to use for extreme filth and abuse…”


I got a lot of messages of all lengths from Doms who obviously hadn’t read my profile and had nothing in common with me. They often started with unimaginative language like: “I’m seeking a classy submissive lady who can go to wine tastings with me and carry on a conversation…”


Some were gross and absurd: “Hi. Would you like to be abused and humiliated by a 385 lbs Latin Dom?…”


Some Doms tried to lay on the domination thickly in their messages resulting in insincere dirty talk that was hard to take seriously: “You will e-mail me today and tell me your innermost fantasies and how often you masturbate” … “you will gratefully fall to your knees as I skull-fuck you and pull your hair and then cum on your tits…”

Yeah, whatever. Delete!

Don’t top a Dom

In one exchange I was accused of trying to “bottom from the top” when I said I’d prefer that he gave me his phone number rather than giving out my number first.

“I don’t like being told what to do… the man is supposed to call the woman. And you messaged me first! You want too much control.”

The message got nastier from there. Indeed, perhaps I do “bottom from the top” but in the vanilla dating world that was just fine. What’s a sub to do — just sit back and wait for the Dom of her dreams to swoop her up on a white horse and whisk her off to his medieval dungeon to be his slave?

The clueless guy

At first I was eager to meet Doms in person to see if there might be any chemistry. Strike while the iron’s hot! I agreed to meet one the same day we spoke because he offered to come out to a convenient location. He sent a professional headshot of himself, smolderingly handsome and dark haired. He whispered sexy things on the phone and sounded semi-promising.

But in person, he was much mousier than I’d imagined and his creepy whispers made my skin crawl, sounding instead like sleazy uninspired dialogue from bad soft porn movies. I was quickly turned off but stayed to be polite. After 40 minutes or so he said, “I’m sensing from your body language (arms folded) and conversation that you are really closed.”

“Well,” I said, “to be honest I’m just not feeling any chemistry here.”

He changed the subject but still only wanted to harp on his fantasies. We were definitely not connecting on that level. We did have a good talk about BBQs and Japanese food, though.

He: “You will meet me Thursday night after the Laker game.”

Me: “No I don’t think so. I don’t want to be out late.”

He: “I will call you Thursday and we’ll make a plan for Thursday night.”

He called me on my way home and I dodged his next call in the morning. Ugh! I wrote a polite note and explained that I didn’t feel we were a match but I wished him the best of luck. He wrote back, without a hint of irony, “Wow! What a surprise! I didn’t see that coming.”

He still continues to write me even though I’ve asked him to stop.

The Gentle Dom

The next Dom I met was a great conversationalist on the phone at first, since we work in similar professions, but quickly he just wanted to talk about his particular kink. That was to have his submissive fuck a lot of other guys to demonstrate her submission to him. Hmmm… He also talked about rape fantasies and I flatly said I had no interest. He messaged me at length every day after that with more questions about his fantasies:

He: “Well how would you feel if you were asked to do a gang bang for me?”

Me: “I don’t know because that’s never happened in my experience and isn’t something I’ve ever thought about doing.”

This is OK once but it was a repeated theme for him and he continually asked variations of the same question, hoping for a different answer. It wore me down after a while so I thought it best to meet and not waste any more chat time.

In person, he was much older than his photos and fatter than he portrayed himself on his profile. He leered at me and launched into more repeats of his gang bang fantasies. He was too gentle and indirect for my taste. I didn’t feel any natural dominant vibe from him and that’s really what I was seeking. Besides, our kinks were far too mismatched.

A lot of first dates

After that I had a few more first dates in the spirit of being open minded, and they led nowhere. I finally became impatient and lost my initial zeal for finding a Dom-lover-boyfriend. I concluded that I needed to be less open-minded and not bother meeting with anyone who didn’t sound stellar.

Once I had this attitude shift, I started meeting more interesting Doms online, and have met a few that might even warrant a second date! I also realized that dating in the kink world is more about first finding BDSM and sexual compatibility, and then the relationship follows.

Sir M’s permission

As of this writing I have slowed down and am taking my time with dating. Many of the Doms I speak with don’t know how to deal with me because I am training with and under the protection of a Dom (Sir M) and they’d have to ask his permission to play with me. Most of these guys want to be the one and only boss of me.

I’m happy with my current situation training with Sir M and don’t want to end that any time soon. Our relationship is a bit unique because he doesn’t own me and that’s not an option — he is in a primary monogamous relationship and is not available for a romantic relationship with me. This was part of our initial negotiation so I knew this going in, and we both understand that I’d still continue looking for a romantic interest in my life while training with him. 

Eventually I will move on.  I’m ultimately looking for a love soul mate — one who will gaze deeply into my eyes without fear, and to whom I will completely and fearlessly surrender. I’m still in the beginning of this journey and find that what I’m looking for in a man is changing drastically as I evolve.  Dating is a way of trying on new men to see if there’s a fit.

But it will be hard for some new Dom to “steal me away” from Sir M — he’ll really have to jump high hurdles for me. And Sir M has set the bar extraordinarily high.

Daisy TraLaL(@daisytralala) is a saucy Angelino kinkster who glides with ease between the worlds of tech, art, cuisine, electronica and dungeon parties. Check back every Tuesday for posts from her journey to the most divine surrender.


Daisy TraLaLA (@daisytralala) is a saucy Angeleno kinkster who glides with ease between the worlds of tech, art, cuisine, electronica and dungeon parties.

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