Lynsey G. writes for porn rags. She didn’t plan it, just kind of fell into it. Since last year, she’s been writing a column at McSweeny’s about her conflicted experience as a woman and feminist in the madness of one of the biggest industries in the world.

This, dear readers of Sex and the 405, is the kind of skill required of a porn reviewer:

I learned to watch the first few minutes of each sex scene, taking notes on “plot” or “witty” banter, then fast forward through the remainder at 10x speed, slowing down to note the frequency of position changes, athleticism of maneuvers, and standout dirty talk. The trick was to watch the 2- to 6-hour-long DVDs as fast as possible and then spend under an hour writing dirty, overly alliterative jokes about what I’d seen. Easy, if a bit monotonous.

For easy reference, I made up lists of alternative names for breasts, penises and vaginas, and supplementary lists later on for buttholes, as that trend gained popularity. I developed rating criteria for length, girth, cup size, amount of cellulite, and gag reflex (or the lack thereof). Things got ugly, fast.

She also gets into the occupational hazards: desensitization, boredom, higher tolerance to hardcore sexual acts, and the ever-pressing questions presented by being up to her eyeballs in an industry where everyone is a product:

After a few months of reviewing, the constant humping was wearing on my retinas and getting tedious. My personal sex drive, initially amped up by the bouncing boobs and facials, was declining in the face of overexposure. I was getting paranoid that I’d never be adequate in bed, or that I’d start thinking really kinky things were normal and scare off my boyfriend. I was finding it easier to come up with derogatory slurs about the performers’ bodies and actions. And, I realized, I was coming to understand the bitterness that edged the voices of my editors and co-writers, the disgust with humanity that drove their daily routines. I told myself I wouldn’t let it happen to me; I’d keep my life and my work separate.

[... ] the longer I keep my tenuous toehold in the jizz rag biz, the more the realities of the porn industry stare me in the face, and it’s not just the faces covered in jizz that bother me. There are a lot of really upsetting things going on both inside and outside the studio, both on the industry and consumer sides, which are disturbing and decidedly unfriendly to women. The language used to describe them in industry terminology and in social contexts, the attitudes about their worth as human beings, the aesthetics with which they are presented to the world, and the acts they perform raise a lot of questions. I mean, what’s with the fake boobs and nails and eyelashes and tans and hair? Why the no-body-hair rule? And who came up with the idea that ejaculate is the new trend in facial moisturizers? On that note, where is the line between pleasure and degradation drawn, and by whom? Why have the past few years seen such an abrupt switch from full-length feature films to half-hour-long frenzies of manic semen spewing? Is anybody overseeing this whole operation, and if so, can we arrange to have a private sit-down chat?

Follow her tangents over at McSweeney’s.

Thanks to Laura Roberts for the tip.

“Every single holiday, a dick in a box,” sang Justin Timberlake. And boy, do we like the idea of taking that beautiful cock of yours with us. Well, guess what — we can.

Introducing the Make Your Own Dildo kit. That’s right, now you, too, can have your manhood immortalized in a mold like the hairband gods of yesteryear.

The process is simple:

The molding gel is made with a dental molding powder. The finished dildo is made from a skin-like, non-porous rubber material that is hypoallergenic, non-toxic and will not break down when used with water-based or silicone lubricants.

The kit accommodates a penis up to 11 inches and comes with directions regarding how to accommodate a natural curve.

Sounds like a perfect weekend project to us.

(Oh, and PS: remember! Pics or it didn’t happen!)

Jenny Block, contributor to Fox on Sex (fair and balanced!), was recently surprised to discover the selection available at her local Walgreens.

First, there is a surprising variety of “personal massagers.” “Quiet and powerful ones” in a Skittles-worthy array of colors. Multiple surface versions that boast the ability to be recharged. The “Comet Massager” that looks like it’s related to a Pixar space creature. The little guy even lights up. [...] One massager comes complete with a warmer, and several of them have all sorts of interesting nubs and bumps and edges. Come on, that is no back massager.

All sorts of lotions and potions line the shelves as well. Travel size massage oils in scents like Bali Moonlight, Malibu Sunrise, and Paris Twilight. (And, no, I have no idea what any of those things would smell like).

And then there are the lubricants — warming, tingling, soothing, and in “flavors” like pina colada and cherry. If you don’t know why you’d want a lubricant to smell good and taste good, you, my friend, are missing out.

In the practical department, there’s an air revitalizer (you know, for those marathon sessions); a sound machine to ward-off roommates or nosy neighbors; and candles in every scent from Indigo Nights to Beach Bungalow for ideal lighting (who doesn’t look good in candlelight?). Seriously, you could set the whole scene with just one stop at this place.

If you want to get really randy, they even have handcuffs, nylon rope, paintbrushes, hot wax and digital camcorders. No pressure.

This reminds us of a conversation we once had with Laura Roberts, editor of the now defunct Black Heart Magazine, following one of her columns for Hour magazine about finding sex toys at the Dollar Store.

Our editrix attempted this, but she claims to have no words to describe what occurred with said frugal accouterments. We’re on our own on this one… unless you want to venture forth and tell us your story of sexy finds in unusual places!

Image by Ryan Ozawa. Information from Fox News.

As testament to the awesome power of fanfic, Hustler’s appetite for parody continues with This Ain’t Dancing With the Stars XXX, a nod to Dancing With the Stars as well as David Letterman, Lindsay Lohan and David Hasselhoff.

Scarlett Fay plays Lohan, who seduces her dance instructor in the film, and Otto Bauer’s Hasselhoff sexes up the dance floor with a racy tango.

“My buyers get a kick out of the spins we put on these television shows and movies,” says Hustler national sales manager David Diamond.

We bet.

Image from preview video, via Popcrunch. Information from HustlerWorld.

Before we begin, we want to take a second to instantaneously orgasm at the realization that we are thisclose to living in a postcyberpunk universe, OMG. The cyborgs are so close, the Sex and the 405 newsroom can almost taste them! Nom nom nom! /geekery

But let’s explore the robots that are actually among us, shall we?

Meet Roxxxy, a 5-foot-7-inches TrueCompanion that outweighs our editrix at 120 pounds. Her skin is soft, her orifices are willing and! She will talk to you about anything that interests you. For as long as you like. Without rolling her eyes!

(Our editrix should send one to her ex-husband.)

A TrucCompanion is a talking sex robot. Priced at $7,000, Roxxxy is the brainchild of Douglas Hines, a mad scientist who thought to slap silicone skin on a computer with voice-recognition and speech-synthesis software, and five pre-programmed personalities ranging from Frigid Farrah to Wild Wendy — take your pick!

A motor in her chest pumps heated air through a tube that winds through Roxxxy’s body, which keeps her warm to the touch. She also has sensors in her hands and genital areas that elicit vocal responses from her when she’s touched. She even shudders to simulate orgasm (like most women you know! Just kissing, sorry).

Her battery-life is only three hours, but then, that’s more than our iPhones, so we’re not going to complain too much.

“There’s a tremendous need for this kind of product,” said Hines, who’s really a computer scientist and former Bell Labs engineer, and happily married in Licoln Park, New Jersey.

This version of the bot cannot move on its own, though it can be contorted into many positions. We’re looking forward to advances in the technology that will allow for Roxxxy to get up and make dinner, give us a back massage, then go service our boyfriends and husbands so we can deal with our deadlines.

And once they figure out all the bugs, we expect her male counterpart, a sexy man-thing to change lightbulbs, play with our hair for hours on end and, of course, do us 24/7 — between deadlines, of course.

It’s not cheating if it doesn’t have a pulse, right?

Ew, that’s gross. Sorry. YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.

Image from TrueCompanion. Information from CNN, via Denise Tanton.

Listen up, boys and girls! A dentist from Ohio has set out to take the ouch out of blow jobs.

Introducing the Blowguard, pthalate-free, one-size fits all silicone guard for the teeth much like the sort used in sports, only the Blowguard comes with one extra perk: a little vibrator.

Dr. Joe, a children’s dentist in Ohio, told the Las Vegas Weekly how the product came about: “This lady came in (for a consultation) with fake teeth, and we had to make her a new set of teeth,” says Dr. Joe. “Her dentures moved a little bit. So we made her a nightguard. She went home and gave her boyfriend a blowjob, and she reported back to me that he loved it.”

Adding the vibrator was just the cherry on top of a sundae of serendipity.

Less teeth, baby, feel the good vibrations.

Image from BlowGuard. Information via Las Vegas Weekly.

My New Pink Button is a product made to bring that pretty prink color back to your lips–and when I say lips, I mean your labia.

“My New Pink Button is a Cosmetic Dye especially for the woman’s genital area, to help restore that healthy vibrant Rosy color,” the site promises. “Until now there has never been a solution for restoring natural pigment. This is a concern with many women and more than you can even imagine, and a frequent question that Physicians are asked. Check out the blogs on the Internet. You are not alone! This is a common problem and we now have a simple and safe solution, restoring sexual confidence to Women everywhere!”

Deb on the Rocks, a contributing editor at the popular women’s site BlogHer has taken issue with this concept:

Now, actually, if you want to get a youthful feeling coursing through your labia, you would be better advised to, yes, go dancing, but instead of bringing My New Pink Button “Bettie” with you, find a Betty to come home with you. A Betty (or okay, if you must, a Bobby) who appreciates the glorious, diverse rainbow of natural labia colors fresh out of the box.

That will put you in the pink. Or rouge, or purple, or honey, or caramel, or the sienna shade of the edges of a closing Iris …

Better yet, just as you don’t need the dye, you don’t need anyone else to tell you your labia look mahvelous. What if it they just are mahvelous?

Because truthfully, I’m not in the market for labia dye. I’m not bragging when I say that my personal parts are a gorgeous labia shade as is — because I’m certain so are yours.
Many people are blowing off My New Pink Button as an unnecessary, comical product that’s white elephant-gift worthy.

In all, My New Pink Button makes me want to go all ninja labia avenger and throw mirror parties and finally rename The Vagina Monologues The Labia Monologues and stage actions where women jump on stages and proclaim “Bing cherry in da house!” or “Little Barbie Dream Corvette, baby!” or “This latte was made with a dash of cinnamon!” or “If you want me to change colors, put some lipstick where your mouth is, mister, and let’s get going!”

Deb’s not the only one, so we here at Sex and the 405 have decided to declare today Labia Appreciation Day. Come all ye women and love yourselves, or if you love women, go pay the proper tribute to your beloved’s labia!

Information via BlogHer. Image from My New Pink Button.

Last month in Canada, Dr. Carolyn Bennett, a Liberal Minister of Parliament, sent a letter to the Conservative Federal Minister of Health, Leona Aglukkaq, expressing concern about the sex toy industry and asking the government to take action in regulating sex toys.

The letter, which you can read in its entirety here, read, in part:

I am writing to express my concern for the urgent need for responsible regulation in the adult toy industry. In Canada, we are not yet doing enough to protect women against the very high concentratuons of materials linked to reproductive and other health issues.

… Our current legislation is insufficient. There are safe alternatives to pththalates and [bisphenol A] that are readily available.

It sounds like a good idea, right? Like they say on Facebook: It’s Complicated.

I’m gonna turn it over now to Cory Silverberg, blogger at About.com’s Sexuality Guide, who’s written about this topic at length:

In order to regulate sex toys first one needs to define the product category for proposed regulation. What qualifies as a sex toy? Currently in the U.S. sex toys are defined legally in some states (often as devices intended for genital stimulation). But they don’t exist as a defined category by health regulators. The same is true for many other countries where the term “sex toys” won’t be found in legal or regulatory documentation.

Even among sex toy retailers and manufacturers terms like dildo, vibrator, penis ring, butt plug can mean very different things. Is a sex toy defined by how it’s intended use? How it’s commonly used? Is a sex toy defined by who uses it or what kinds of bodies it gets used on? There is no generally agreed upon taxonomy of sex toys. There isn’t even an organization or body (public or private) that would be in a position to develop such a taxonomy.

But until we’re there, I’m certainly not comfortable with a government deciding what is and isn’t a sex toy, and regulating the products they think are while ignoring the products they decide aren’t.

And that’s just the beginning. Read his impassioned piece Why Government Regulation of Sex Toys Is a Bad Idea.

I’m with Silverberg on this one. I believe in educating consumers and leaving the government out of as much as humanly possible. But then, I’m a conservative. That’s just how we roll. Or used to. Yeah, yeah.

Didn’t get everything you wanted this Christmas? Here’s a consolation prize for you like no other.

Hustler is releasing a skin flick based on our speculations about Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston’s feud in Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston!

“We were very pleased with the casting of the movie because the girls looked so much like the celebrities they were playing,” director Stuart Canterbury says in a release on Hustler World. “Of course, the highlight of the movie is the showdown when the girls get into a catfight on the red carpet. The performers were so into their characters, and we turned that energy into some smoking-hot sex.”

Of course, this being a porn flick, the wrestling match quickly becomes a lusty exchange between the two ladies. This, people, is what “make love, not war” looks like. Watch a clip below:

Image from Sponkit. Information from Hustler World, via Perez Hilton.

Those earth-loving peeps, they’re all over the place fighting to make sure we don’t screw up ourselves or this fine planet completely. Having made strides in green living from noms to cars and light bulbs, they’re now moving into the bedroom.

Here is the latest in healthy alternatives for your loving pleasure:

TOYS

A surprising amount of sex toys contain phthalates (which only looks scary to pronounce–say it like this: “thalates.” Good job), PVC softeners that have been found to inhibit endocrine, which some studies have linked to premature puberty in girls and low sperm production in boys.

As a result of health concerns, many companies are working to produce non-toxic alternatives.

Among the many companies hitting the market are Earth Erotics, who also make that killer recycled rubber whip we showed you a month ago.

LUBES

Have you ever read the back of a bottle of lube? I’ll admit I didn’t until long into my 20s. Lube was something I judged based on how it felt–like most everything relating to sex. And then, I did it. I’ll tell you one thing: I wish I hadn’t. Dicksoftenus maximus.

Lucky for us, there’s now a booming industry of lubes devoted to stamping out scary petrochemicals and parabens: aloe lubes, shea and cocoa butter lubes, and all-natural lubes.

My personal favorite all-natural lubricant? Extra virgin organic coconut oil. You can pick it up at any organic market along with your groceries. Smells great, tastes great, doubles as an unparalleled massage oil and leaves your skin feeling delicious.

Remember one thing when shopping for your new top-notch eco-sex lube (and this goes especially for the coconut oil): some products are oil-based and not latex-compatible. Make sure that you and your partner or partners have been tested for STIs and there’s another form of birth control in place before engaging in unprotected sex or sex that mixes latex-incompatible lubes and condoms.

BIRTH CONTROL

We’ve told you about vegan condoms, which replace the milk protein casein in latex condoms with a non-animal alternative. And for the super socially-conscious, there is French Letter, which offers an array of fair-trade rubber condoms.

Information from The Times of India and our own fountain of genius.