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Makings of a Dominant

May 12, 2010 BDSM, Lessons 2 Comments

I know this will make me sound like a mom who makes you feel guilty for missing dinner by going on and on about how long she slaved over that hot stove, but I’ll say it anyway: being a Dom is a lot of work. For starters, there’s a ton of shit to buy, and you’ll need a lot of practice before you’ll be any good at using it. When you finally find a girl who’ll let you tie her up and do all kinds of dirty things to her, you’ll have to ask all the right questions to really get inside her head, then identify your training goals and prep for your first session.

The session itself takes a lot more energy and focus than, say, the typical Friday-night romp with that hottie you picked up at the Roosevelt. And in the morning, you’ll have a giant mess of chains, rope, leather, dildos, whips, and butt plugs on the floor that’ll look like WeHo after a category-five tornado. To be honest, I still haven’t cleaned up from last weekend. So why do we put ourselves through all this? What’s in it for us? I can’t speak for everyone, but I’ll bet retracing the evolution of my kinkiness will reveal what that answer is for me. Let’s find out…

Chapter I: Giant Gorillas and Corpulent Aliens

You might say my first sexual influences were a tad unconventional. One of the earliest memories of my life is watching this old version of King Kong on TV with my parents, and I can still remember how strangely fascinated I was by that image of Jane with her wrists tied to those stakes. I was only three or four at the time, but I knew instinctively that this horny oversized ape and I were on the same page.

A few years later, George Lucas released a film that would inspire new generations of future pervs for decades to come: Return of the Jedi. Princess Leia didn’t really do much for me at age six, but the image of her collared and chained to Jabba the Hut in that skimpy little bikini is burned into my brain to this day. Jabba may be a bit on the heavy side, even for a Dom, but you have to admire his style.

By the time my hormones joined the party, I knew there was something very different going on in my head. I certainly wasn’t the only kid who had to plan sitting and standing around my ill-timed erections, and I was just as comfortable joking about the indignities of puberty as my friends were, but I learned quickly that the details of my fantasies were best kept to myself. I still thought about normal sex, mostly to reassure myself that I was at least somewhat normal, but at that age I could have jerked off to Kathy Bates.

Chapter II: Drunken Fumblings with Naked Girls and Ethernet Cable

In college, when I finally moved from the chalkboard to the field, I set out to make the most of the four key resources at hand: a deliciously pervy girlfriend who was happy try anything twice, a beer fridge well stocked with Sierra Nevada, one university-issue, four-post modular bed, and lots of Ethernet cable. Sorry about that Ethernet cable, Abby, but you know how it is: we just didn’t have the Internet resources back then even to learn about the proper equipment, much less buy it online.

Once the beers were uncapped and Abby was unclothed, my first step was to create my own living bondage porn. After that, my plan was to rustle up a makeshift blindfold, then maybe do something fun with the ice cubes in my fridge and the ping-pong paddle I had liberated from downstairs. It only took a few minutes to tie each wrist and ankle to each corner of the bed. As I looked down at this athletically-shaped pre-med, so exposed and vulnerable as she tugged helplessly at the high-speed data cables that held her in place, I decided to skip right to Phase II: fuck her and cum on her face.

About five minutes later (hey, I was 19!), as I wiped the sweat from my brow and stumbled across the room for another Sierra Nevada, I found myself asking what would become a pretty familiar question for the next few years: “Now what?”

With practice, I eventually developed the Zen-like discipline to resist fucking Abby the instant I finished tying her up, and I started exploring a whole range of exciting ways to amplify and intensify her helplessness and vulnerability. I realized that total physical control meant total sensory control, and by blindfolding, gagging, pinching, biting, spanking, and choking her, I could play those senses like keys on a vastly complex piano. At first, all I could manage was Chopsticks and maybe Jingle Bells, but you know how they say you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice.

Chapter III: Graduate Study

Around the time I moved to L.A. and started exploring the local fetish community, that question popped up again: Now what? That was when I met Courtney, a sweet, wholesomely beautiful brunette with a razor-sharp sense of humor and an insatiable appetite for total power exchange. Suddenly, I had this tidal wave of fresh ideas and a diehard play partner at least as perverted as I was to try them on. It was the perfect storm, and soon I had the next major epiphany in my evolution as a Dom: I could use all these tools and techniques for the bigger-picture, longer-term goal of shaping a sub’s behavior and attitude to my exact specifications.

I took 24/7 control of Courtney’s orgasms, requiring that she e-mail, text, or call me whenever she wanted permission to cum. I taught her the verbal protocol and eye-contact rules I wanted her to follow, the slave positions I wanted her to hold, and the techniques of sucking and cleaning my cock I wanted her to use. When she was a good girl, I’d give her multiple forced orgasms until she begged me to stop. When she broke a rule, I’d discipline her with a wooden paddle or something else I knew she hated until she begged me for another chance to do it right.

With time, she learned to place my pleasure above her own comfort, to obey even the most unexpected and unusual instructions without hesitation, and to revel in her status as my property. When Courtney and I were enjoying these intense moments of intimacy, I felt a stronger sense of sexual fulfillment than I could ever have imagined, and purity of this fulfillment helped me uncover the real foundation of my sexuality.

And Finally…

For the vast majority of straight males, the female form is an object of obsession from puberty until death. For me, BDSM is the ultimate way to fully possess, savor, and connect with that object on a more intimate and intense level than most will ever experience. It is a lot of work, but then again, nothing truly worthwhile is easy. Now to put those damn toys away.

Drew Thomas (@DrewT323) is a dom living in Los Angeles.

If You Absolutely Must Sprain Your Back, Do It Doing Something Sexy

May 11, 2010 Q&A 1 Comment

Our editrix here at Sex and the 405 has a formspring.me account where people ask her questions about sex — well, it’s supposed to be about sex, but you guys should see what people ask her. She really is the Oracle at Delphi reupholstered in KY-Jelly. Behold:

You’ve mentioned that you frequently work naked. I tend to work naked as well — or in lingerie, and in bed. However, I’ve been struggling with posture issues when working on the computer in bed. Have any tips?

This is a great question. While our editrix is obsessed with her posture (she has never had the best posture and has tried everything from corsets to rods to improve it), she is no expert on these matters. But lucky for you, her chiropractor Michael Dorausch at ADIO L.A. was kind enough to take some time out of his day to help us answer this pressing question.

Bad laptop posture!“Hunching forward for long periods of time is one of top things that lands laptop users in my office regularly,” Dorausch told Sex and the 405 over e-mail. “If you take that same posture in bed, then there are the same issues. Add to that the reality that most beds are too soft to support sitting for long periods of time — not only is the upper back hunched, but the lower back gets strained as well.”

But what if you’re lying down?

“Make use of pillows to support your back, neck, and at times, to rest your laptop on,” Dorausch suggests. “With the right combos, you can get the task accomplished with little to no back strain. One more reason to have multiple sizes, shapes and thicknesses of pillows available.”

If pillow fighting in lingerie isn’t a good enough reason, think of your back!

So what’s the best position for working on a laptop?

“Sitting upright with the laptop on a table or some other support, is usually one’s best bet,” Dorausch says. “I catch patients sitting cross legged all the time, using their crossed legs as a laptop holder. It’s not something I recommend doing often.”

And what are some ways of reducing stress on your neck and back while working long hours at a laptop?

“Stretches are great,” Dorausch tells us, adding: “of course you want to be doing them properly. I’m obviously biased, being a chiropractor, but I think getting checked for postural and related computer activities is a good investment. Additionally, I’ve gotten good feedback from patients using yoga stretches and pilates exercises to build strength and flexibility in their spines.”

You heard the man. Make an appointment to check up on the damage and start putting that Wii Fit to good use on back-strengthening exercises. Make no mistake: an upright person is a sexy person.

Photo used features Joanna Lord, courtesy of Michael Dorausch.

So You Wanna Pay for Pussy? Step 3: Take out or delivery?

April 21, 2010 Hobbying, Lessons 3 Comments

Incall versus outcall. The bulk of my personal experience has been of the incall variety. That is to say, I go to the escort’s location rather than her coming to mine. It works for me. I find I prefer the banging-a-hot-chick-in-a-lavish hotel room encounter to the doing-it-on-my-futon encounter. But that’s just me. You have your own kink, I’m not here to judge.

There are many good reasons for preferring to stay in or preferring to go out. Both are equally valid choices. You can find quality companionship for either option.

Here’s some general rules to follow. First, plan ahead. Whether you’re visiting a lady’s incall or inviting someone over to your love shack, it’s bad form to expect a gal to be available on extremely short notice. Sure, you can find lots of girls, mostly Craigslist-type hookers, who will eagerly say “come on over now” when you find yourself with your dick in your hand at 3:00 AM. But that’s not for everybody.

I understand why some guys would prefer to stay home. You’re likely to be more comfortable in familiar surroundings. But if you have a wife, if you have nosy neighbors or if you don’t know how to do basic laundry, you may want to rethink the stay-at-home option. But hey, maybe the wife is out of town and it’s now or never. As with most aspects of the hooker/client interaction, proper prior planning is key.

You’re not ordering a pizza. The blowjob will not be free if the hooker doesn’t get there in thirty minutes or less.

Plan ahead. Do your homework, make all your arrangements ahead of time so that when the lovely escort you’ve chosen shows up at your doorstep it’ll be a pleasurable experience for both of you. You’re the host, act like one. That means you should not only clean yourself up (wash your balls) but you should make an effort to clean up the house. I mean really, you think that high-dollar hottie is going to be at her best if she has to climb over a pile of dirty laundry to get to the bed? It wouldn’t be out of line to offer her a drink, maybe a glass of wine, and many will accept. But being safety conscious, you should also have a couple of unopened bottles of water handy.

Stay hydrated. And while you may perform better in familiar surroundings, it’s probably a good idea to put away that picture of your wife you keep on your nightstand. Not because you may offend the hooker, but because the last thing you need while you’re boning some paid ass is to look over and see your wedding picture. After all is said and done, make sure you wash all the sheets and towels before the wife comes home. You may not mind sleeping on a wet spot, but your wife will notice the smell of strange pussy on her favorite Laura Ashleys.

True story: I know a guy whose temporary girlfriend started her period while frolicking in his bed (hey, biology happens). Imagine trying to explain away that stain.

So, if you want to avoid all the hassles of hosting your own party, maybe finding a lady who offers incall services is preferable. Here again, plan, plan, plan. Think about what type of encounter you want. Are you looking for the drive through or the eat in? At the lower end of the spectrum you have the fast food, chain motel, high volume provider. You pay your money, you take your ride, you go home satisfied. And you didn’t even have to take your socks off.

Or maybe, being an adult, you’ll gravitate towards the luxury model, the lady who sets up shop in a four-star hotel. The advantages here are clear. Somebody else washes the sheets, and clean towels are just a phone call to housekeeping away. There’s a fantasy element involved. It’s easier to step out of your everyday life; to forget about your terrible job, your broken car, your shrill nagging soul-crushing hateful bitch shrew of a wife. What, too much?

Going to a smaller chain motel you’re more likely to encounter the watchful gaze of the front desk clerk. And trust me, they know why you’re there in the middle of the afternoon. They don’t care, but they know. However, if your assignation takes place in a larger luxury hotel, particularly one that caters to business clients, you’ll have no problem getting in and out. And there’s a lot to be said for a large comfortable pillow-top mattress with clean sheets and a down comforter. A lot to be said for blackout curtains and a hot shower. And can you really put a price on banging a hot chick up against the windows looking out over the city skyline? Well, yeah, about $400, but you get the point.

Whether you stay home or go out, the more comfortable the surroundings, the safer everyone feels, the more you’re going to get out of it. Your goal is to make the experience feel more like an afternoon with your ridiculously hot, willing girlfriend than something you’d regret. And speaking of the girlfriend experience… what is a GFE? That’s next.

Read Part Two.

Hooker Addict (@hookeraddict) has wasted much of the last few years wading through the local escort/hobbyist message boards. From finding a hooker to making the date, not getting ripped off or worse; this is about paying for sex. With actual cash. A few years ago, he became fascinated with streeetwalkers, but now the game has changed. Moved indoors, online. He’s just Some Guy, with no skills and no game. And he still gets more pussy than you.

Drunk Tweet To Be Proud About

April 9, 2010 Lessons No Comments

Last weekend was a holiday weekend and you guys partied it up. We here at Sex and the 405 know all about it — the good, the bad, and the ugly. From Twitter. That’s right, before you deleted them Sunday morning. Out of control, Los Angeles, you’re out of control.

Well, don’t worry, you don’t have to suffer the indignity of the looks you received on Monday morning at the office ever again.

All you have to do is read and follow “mixultant” (but that’s sultan of cocktail mixing to you, plebs) Joseph Boroski’s common sense guide for drunk tweeting you can be proud about.

1. No emo tweets.

2. Do not overwhelm us every two minutes with all your change of locations and celebrity sightings.

3. Don’t repeat yourself.

4. Don’t start using words you would never use while sober.

5. Don’t roll the bus on your buddies.

6. Tell us funny, happy, and exciting things.

7. Make the pics you post are worth looking at.

8. Tweet it later!

9. Put the damn phone in your pocket and hang out with your friends already!

10. If you’re going to put us through your drunk ramblings via Tweetie, you might as well let us know how you got in such a sorry place to begin with.

You’re welcome. Now go get started, it’s already happy hour in London.

Read the whole thing by Joseph Boroski, or follow him on Twitter: @sipSLOWLY. Post via @SexCigarsandBooze.

So You Wanna Pay for Pussy? Step 2: How much is that pussy in the window?

March 31, 2010 Hobbying, Lessons 5 Comments

You’ve done your homework, you’ve searched the ads on Craigslist, Backpage or any of a slew of hooker message boards and you’re just captivated by those lace-clad boobs staring back at you from the screen. So how much should you pay for pussy?

If ya have to ask, you can’t afford it.

Truth is, you can find many lovely ladies at all service levels in all price ranges. But, in my considered professional opinion, you always get what you pay for.

When the topic of price comes up on hobbyist discussion boards (and it always does) someone is bound to trot out the tired old analogies. They compare hookers to cars, to meals, to stores. All of that misses the mark. And it’s insulting to boot. They always say something along the lines of “well, whaddaya want? A Lexus or a Toyota? A burger or a Porterhouse? Wal-Mart or Tifanny’s?” I mean really. You’re actually going to compare a girl to meat? And you wonder why they think you’re crass. As an aside, I’ll just note that while I have known hookers named Lexus and Tiffany, I have to this date never met one named Porterhouse.

You’re not buying a product, you’re contracting with someone to provide an extremely intimate personal service.

OK, dollars and cents. As a general rule, girls advertising on Craigslist or Humaniplex tend to be the lower end of the spectrum. Usually in the $100 to $150 range. You’ll find some for a bit more, a bit less, but that’s the general range. For your hundred bucks, you’re usually going to get limited service. It’ll tend to be the get in/get off/get out type of service. Often, these are the girls that are working out of some slightly seedy chain motel in the Valley. They’re the high volume providers. Clock watchers? Hell yeah. They may say that the fee is for the half hour service, but you’ll be outta there within 12 minutes of dropping trou. If that’s what you want… if that’s what you think the experience is all about… then that’s what you’re gonna get for a hundred bucks.

Once you move up to review sites like The Erotic Review or Eros.com you’re moving into a pricier neighborhood. But you can expect greatly improved levels of service.

When you start getting into the $300-$600 range, you’ll be more likely spending time with ladies who offer the GirlFriend Experience. That one term more than any other is a subject of fierce debate in the hoooker/john world. What exactly does it mean? Definitions vary, and we’ll get into those more in another installment. But for now, suffice to say that you’re paying for a more well-rounded, total experience. You’ll be spending time with a lady who tends to be a lower volume provider. That is, she usually is only seeing a small number of clients a day. This gets to be important… if you want a girl who’s had time to shower between clients. If that kinda thing isn’t important to you — well, it should be. You made sure to wash your sweaty balls before going to see her, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Well, a high class, GFE escort has made sure she’s fresh and clean for you, too.

From there, you start getting into escorts who offer multi-hour appointments, ladies who schedule overnight appointments, who have dinner date appointments, who are willing to travel to you in distant cities. All of that costs money, of course, but again, you get what you pay for. If that’s the level of service you want (and why shouldn’t you? An erudite man-of-the-world like you deserves nothing less) then start saving your money now. Overnight sessions, you can expect $2500 or more. If you’re interested in booking time with an established porn star (and there are a few out there who see clients) plan on spending upwards of $1000 per hour to start. Is it worth it? Hey, you’ve watched plenty of porn, you think that shit is easy?

So here’s the mechanics of the thing, and these rules hold true pretty much across the board at all price points. Rule number one: this is strictly a cash business. Sure, you can find escorts and agencies that will accept credit cards, but c’mon. You really want a hooker to have your credit card number? No matter how much you trust her, that’s a recipe for disaster. But have some fucking sense. You’re not gonna walk into a hotel room and hand some strange girl a wad of cash. Be discreet, mutherfucker. Have the cash (and it better all be there) in a small envelope, maybe put it in a thank-you card. When you get to the room, place the envelope in plain view on the nightstand. Sometimes she’ll take it into the bathroom. This is so she can count it without you watching (and so she can hide it so you can’t snatch it back).

If you’re really classy, maybe a small gift bag and card. But if you’re gonna do it that way, do it right and actually put a small gift in the small gift bag. Just sayin’.

Do not, under any circumstances, say anything to her about the money. “Hey, here’s your three hundred bucks cash, let’s get to fucking,” is a sure way to get your ass thrown out. Minus $300. It’s all about discretion.

So far, I’ve been working on the assumption that you’ll be visiting her at her location, whether her home, apartment or hotel. We haven’t gotten into the difference between incall (you go to her) and outcall (she comes to you). Both have their pros and cons. But that’s Part Three.

Read Part One.

Hooker Addict (@hookeraddict) has wasted much of the last few years wading through the local escort/hobbyist message boards. From finding a hooker to making the date, not getting ripped off or worse; this is about paying for sex. With actual cash. A few years ago, he became fascinated with streeetwalkers, but now the game has changed. Moved indoors, online. He’s just Some Guy, with no skills and no game. And he still gets more pussy than you.

Cheating Women: The “New” Infidelity

March 27, 2010 Cheaters, Culture 1 Comment

Since we’re on a roll with cheating here at Sex and the 405, we thought we would bring up this oldie but goodie from Details magazine, which explores the cheating habits of the human female:

“There are a lot of reasons why women cheat now, and the simplest is that they can,” says Diane Shader Smith, the author of Undressing Infidelity: Why More Women Are Unfaithful. “Nowadays women have jobs. And if they’re home, there are gardeners, there are pool men. They have opportunities and they feel empowered.” They also feel sexual. And while your prowess with a Dyson is commendable, it’s hardly titillating.

Make no mistake: Women can be just as driven as men are in pursuit of a fling.

“Women have become, in many ways, as predatory as men,” says Judith Brandt, the author of The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette. And the prey is abundant. We grew up with the bejesus scared out of us by Anjelica Huston in Crimes and Misdemeanors and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. The libido-withering moral was clear: It’s just not worth it, man. But where’s the male equivalent? Your wife’s potential playmate probably has no interest in annexing your emotional territory.

And he’s accessible: Today’s wife knows nothing of the isolation of her mid-century counterpart. She has Internet chat rooms and cell phones. She has personal trainers, yoga instructors, and mommy groups.

And here’s another one from their archives that we found amusing — “Look Who’s Sleeping With Your Wife”:

If you think your wife is going about her daily routine—exercising, working, shopping, taking the kids to after-school activities—without encountering guys who want to sleep with her, you’re delusional. She’s being hit on all the time. Take the yoga instructor. He’s the modern equivalent of Warren Beatty in Shampoo, and his core strength—and genuine way with your wife’s Kundalini—isn’t lost on her. Then there’s that brooding, troubled ex she gets a drink with every now and then. This guy makes her feel needed—in a way that’s very different from the way you do when you get home from work and tell her all about your lousy day. The other men she interacts with daily—the stay-at-home dad down the block whose daughter is friends with yours, the boss who so generously gives her flexible hours, the twentysomething soccer coach who looks at her like she’s a 21st-century Anne Bancroft—have a hold on her affection simply because they’re around when you’re not. And what all of these men have in common is that they present a refreshing alternative to, well, you.

“I see more women who cheat than men,” says Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and the author of The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart. Barash estimates that close to 60 percent of married women have had extramarital sex.

“With men’s affairs, it tends to be not enough sex—with women it tends to be not enough attention and interaction,” Tessina says. According to [Susan Shapiro Barash, the author of A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs That Make or Break Their Marriages], most women feel an “unrelenting need for romance and excitement.” And they’re not getting them in the half-hour they spend flipping through magazines while you watch The Daily Show every night after the kids go to bed.

Panicking yet boys? Considered the playing field leveled. You’re welcome.

Image and articles from Details.

Why Men Cheat

March 26, 2010 Cheaters, Culture 1 Comment

Cheating is so in this season. The rags and TV can’t shut up about it. We haven’t heard anything like this at Sex and the 405 since the Tickle Me Elmo.

This is from an anonymous piece on April’s Esquire:

I’ll tell you why I cheat. I need to. Infidelity makes me remember things. The details that expand to fill my life (my upcoming performance reviews, the aches and pains of training, the recovery of my 401(k) ) and the ones that deaden it (my guilt, my smug self-satisfaction, my fake epiphanies about my progress in this life) —all of that drops away when I look down at the naked spine of an unfamiliar woman, twisting slightly in the late-afternoon sunlight streaming onto the sheets of a Hampton Inn in some nameless suburb. This is the most absolute choice I can make. I am there on my own. Against every code, rule, and set of mores I pretend to obey. Against better judgment, against every lesson of hindsight and every shard of wisdom that comes with age, I have no regrets in that moment, because I am naked, or without pants, and I have chosen to be there. I have voted by my presence, declared it, and I feel the blood moving in me again. So it’s the blood. That’s who I am. That’s why men cheat.

We heard that when our editrix read this piece, she cried. We don’t entirely believe it, but, wow, imagine that.

Image and article from Esquire.

Maxim’s Cheater’s Guide

March 25, 2010 Cheaters, Lessons No Comments

We happened to stumble on some notes for one of our editrix’s columns in the newsroom today (at least we hope they’re notes for a column, and not something she’s actually using in her personal life, in which case, whoops!). It’s a summary of Maxim‘s March issue’s article: “SEX: CHEAT & DON’T GET CAUGHT. Women Tell You How.”

“Famous men aren’t the only cheaters. According to a recent MSNBC poll, one in five people in a monogamous relationship has a side piece – and that figure includes women. Yet you never hear about female betrayal in newspapers and tabloids. Why? Because we’re better at hiding it.”

The article lists seven tips for avoiding exposure, summarized as follows:

  1. Switch the gender: Everyone snoops, even if it’s only a casual glance when a text comes in, so change the gender of your paramour to avoid suspicion. And change the phone settings if you have a phone like an iPhone so the content of texts don’t pop up as you receive them. “If she sees a message from ‘Steve’ that reads ‘I want you inside me,’ you could have some ‘splainin’ to do.”
  2. Hackproof your life: If you have had the same password since there was e-mail and use it for all your sites, you are leaving yourself open. Rather than changing your password (changes can be so suspicious), the best bet is to create a whole new account for your affairs. And you need to remember to log out of it every time you use your computer.
  3. Be available: There is no tip-off like dropping off the face of the earth, so be good about answering your phone, even if it’s just to send a quick text to let them know you’ll call at another time.
  4. Take it to the grave: People talk. Resist the urge to share. When it comes to affairs, there is no “sisterhood” or “bro code.” It’s every man and woman for themselves.
  5. Choose wisely: “Perhaps the single most important factor in having your affair go unnoticed is choosing a girl who won’t – or can’t – throw you under the bus.”
  6. Don’t date your fling: “Fuck, don’t date,” the article quotes Mara, a 30-year-old financial adviser. “Don’t meet up for coffee, don’t confide in each other about your lives, don’t even exchange numbers if you can avoid it. Just fuck.” The article adds: “Emotional involvement makes you more susceptible to slip-ups.”
  7. Don’t overcompensate: “You should preserve the status quo in your relationship. Don’t suddenly start lavishing your girl with gifts.”

Curious? InfidelitySupport scanned the article. Click to read page 1 and
page 2.

Article via InfidelitySupport.

The Conflicted Experience of a Porn Writer

March 18, 2010 Culture, Papers/Rags, Porn No Comments

Lynsey G. writes for porn rags. She didn’t plan it, just kind of fell into it. Since last year, she’s been writing a column at McSweeny’s about her conflicted experience as a woman and feminist in the madness of one of the biggest industries in the world.

This, dear readers of Sex and the 405, is the kind of skill required of a porn reviewer:

I learned to watch the first few minutes of each sex scene, taking notes on “plot” or “witty” banter, then fast forward through the remainder at 10x speed, slowing down to note the frequency of position changes, athleticism of maneuvers, and standout dirty talk. The trick was to watch the 2- to 6-hour-long DVDs as fast as possible and then spend under an hour writing dirty, overly alliterative jokes about what I’d seen. Easy, if a bit monotonous.

For easy reference, I made up lists of alternative names for breasts, penises and vaginas, and supplementary lists later on for buttholes, as that trend gained popularity. I developed rating criteria for length, girth, cup size, amount of cellulite, and gag reflex (or the lack thereof). Things got ugly, fast.

She also gets into the occupational hazards: desensitization, boredom, higher tolerance to hardcore sexual acts, and the ever-pressing questions presented by being up to her eyeballs in an industry where everyone is a product:

After a few months of reviewing, the constant humping was wearing on my retinas and getting tedious. My personal sex drive, initially amped up by the bouncing boobs and facials, was declining in the face of overexposure. I was getting paranoid that I’d never be adequate in bed, or that I’d start thinking really kinky things were normal and scare off my boyfriend. I was finding it easier to come up with derogatory slurs about the performers’ bodies and actions. And, I realized, I was coming to understand the bitterness that edged the voices of my editors and co-writers, the disgust with humanity that drove their daily routines. I told myself I wouldn’t let it happen to me; I’d keep my life and my work separate.

[... ] the longer I keep my tenuous toehold in the jizz rag biz, the more the realities of the porn industry stare me in the face, and it’s not just the faces covered in jizz that bother me. There are a lot of really upsetting things going on both inside and outside the studio, both on the industry and consumer sides, which are disturbing and decidedly unfriendly to women. The language used to describe them in industry terminology and in social contexts, the attitudes about their worth as human beings, the aesthetics with which they are presented to the world, and the acts they perform raise a lot of questions. I mean, what’s with the fake boobs and nails and eyelashes and tans and hair? Why the no-body-hair rule? And who came up with the idea that ejaculate is the new trend in facial moisturizers? On that note, where is the line between pleasure and degradation drawn, and by whom? Why have the past few years seen such an abrupt switch from full-length feature films to half-hour-long frenzies of manic semen spewing? Is anybody overseeing this whole operation, and if so, can we arrange to have a private sit-down chat?

Follow her tangents over at McSweeney’s.

Thanks to Laura Roberts for the tip.

Penthouse Talks Anal Sex

March 12, 2010 Anal, Lessons 1 Comment

Sex rags get some weird questions. Even weirder than our Editrix, which is saying something. At least she doesn’t get stupid questions. We’re grateful for this, because if she did, she’d probably make us answer them instead of dealing with them herself in public.

So this guy writes in the Penthouse, right, about how his wife’s vagina is not as tight as it once was and he’s become obsessed with doing her in the ass. We here at Sex and the 405 are distressed by the way that the subject matter was approached, but we’re looking on the bright side: the question provided a perfect platform to discuss anal sex and we find that’s something you can always learn more about.

Here’s an except from Penthouse‘s response:

It should never hurt. Pain means something is wrong and is possibly causing harm.

Another key is using lots of good, water-based sex lube made specifically for that purpose (not spit, suntan lotion, or whatever else happens to be handy). However, even with copious lubrication, it still feels bad to stick something up your butt if you don’t really want it there. The muscles of your anal sphincter must be coaxed to relax in order to allow penetration. For that to happen, you have to feel safe, at ease, and completely willing. Don’t try to use booze or drugs as a shortcut, because they’re apt to cloud judgment and obscure pain, increasing the risk of injury. Desensitizing creams or lubes are also strongly discouraged for the same reason.

Before doing it with a partner, it’s a good idea to get comfortable with anal penetration through solo exploration, using fingers or dildos of different sizes. Always proceed slowly, and never force anything through the anus. Whether it’s as slender as a pinky finger or as fat as a soup can, it should slip in effortlessly.

So there you have it. A few good tips on proper anal sexing. Want more? Check out this forum. You’re welcome.

(We were going to call this section “we read the skin rags so you can jack off to the pics” but our Editrix said that’s too long. Alas.)

Image by Redacted. Information via Penthouse.


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