Monday, December 21, 2009, 9:47AM PST. Prepare to cum.

I know you don’t need an excuse, but let me tell you about this anyway because it’s, like, whoa.

The Global Consciousness Project is an international group of scientists, engineers and thinkers across all disciplines that keeps a network of things called Random Event Generators (called EGGs), magical machines that produce streams of random numbers, which have been shown become less and less random during global, attention-focusing events.

Could it be? Could human attention have an effect on energy and matter?

Possibly. What the Global Consciousness Project wants to do is examine the subtle correlations that reflect the presence and activity of consciousness in the world.

“We have learned that when millions of us share intentions and emotions, the GCP/EGG network shows correlations,” their site reads. “We can interpret this as evidence for participation in a growing global consciousness. It suggests we have the capability and responsibility for conscious evolution.”

Imagine what would happen if a significant portion of the population focused his or her energy on orgasm?

It’s a cool experiment. Of course, then the Globalgasm page gets all The Secret New Age-y, talking about how cumming all together will be like giving the world an epic hug, but, hey, whatevs–maybe Causecast will pick it up.

Information from Globalgasm.

Depression kills the libido, which essentially means that we at Sex and the 405 are committed to your happiness. This being the country of the self-made and the self-help book, and seeing as we are sailing through a dicksoftenus maximus of a recession, we thought we would put forth this excellent guide to happiness by Robert Fischer, our favorite geek and spiritual beacon hybrid:

• 1. Stop Being a Dick

  When you get a reaction from strangers, they’re not actually reacting to you. They’re reacting to some stereotype and set of assumptions about who you are based on how you look, how you carry yourself, and the kind of person they are expecting to bump into in their current situation. So whatever it is they just did, whatever it is that you think was some great offense to your person, just let it go. It’s not worth escalating the situation, because you aren’t going to get anything positive out of the situation, and you’re just ruining everyone’s time. So leave strangers alone.

  As for everyone else, you’ve got even more reason to stop being a dick. If someone says something that you don’t like, yelling isn’t going to accomplish anything except grating on everyone else around you. Oh, sure, you may get them to shut up. You may even intimidate them to admitting you’re right or taking back what they said. But they didn’t mean it, and if they cared or had the guts, they’d still be standing up to you. And as soon as you leave the room or they think you won’t notice, they’ll go back to being exactly the way they were before you yelled at them. Congratulations, you’ve done nothing by being a dick except make everyone regret that you were invited to the party.

• 2. Stop Whining

  Look, everything you might want to whine about falls into one of two camps: either you can do something about it, or you can’t. If you can do something about it, then put the energy you were going to put into whining into actually fixing it. If you can’t do anything about it, then your whining isn’t going to do anything except continue your cycle of self-loathing and make you a general downer.

• 3. Get Out, Get Some Exercise, Unplug, and Deal with Real People

  If you’re in your house all the time, surrounded by your own hand-picked decorations and designs, and you go out only when insulated by your iPod’s earphones and something to be burying your eyes in, the it’s no surprise you’re unhappy. Human beings are social creatures. That means you will be a lot happier if you socialize. And, y’know what’s really weird? Most people won’t think you’re anything other than friendly if you strike up a conversation.

• 4. If People Are Treating You Like Crap, Then Let Them Go

  There are lots of people out there who aren’t listening to #1 (”Don’t be a Dick”). They, for some reason or another, are out to bully you, to passive-aggressively control you, to tell you that you are wrong, to use you as a punching bag (verbally or otherwise) and to generally be a problem. So let them go. Stop hanging out with them, and put plenty of distance between you and them. No matter what that person might say, you know that you don’t deserve what they’re dishing out, so pick up your dignity and hit the road.

  There are 7 billion people on the world. You can afford to not hang out with that one again.

• 5. Your Critics Are Always Right

  If someone seriously says that you are some way — if they tell you you’re embarrassing to be around, or if they compare you to someone you hate, or if they say you’re not a very nice person, or whatever — then you are that way. You may not be that way in the core of your being, and you may not want to be that way, and it may be a surprise that you have come off that way, but their perception of you is valid, and you need to accept and deal with that. What did you do that made them think that was true? Ask yourself (and them) these questions, and see if you can take it as an opportunity for self-improvement.

  Now, of course, you need to be sure they’re serious: something said in the middle of a fight or said flippantly doesn’t really qualify. So you need to be sure they’re serious. But if your critic is serious, then your critic is right.

• 6. Do Hard Stuff for a Change

  For some reason, our society tries to ask as little as possible from you. Don’t let it.

  It’s hard to make a new friend. It’s hard to vest yourself in a job, or in a project, and to really start to care about it. It’s hard to fight for your career, and to do what needs to be done to advance it. It’s hard to get out of your comfort zone and experience things or listen to people that are totally foreign. It’s hard to demand your dignity, it’s hard to submit to humility, and it’s hard to focus on self-improvement instead of self-destruction.

  But, if you do those things, you’ll be happier for it. Take the hard road: that’s where the good stuff is.

• 7. Let Stuff Go/Suck It Up

  Most things aren’t worth the effort we put into them. We get angrier about them than they’re worth, we worry more about them than they’re worth, and we generally ruin
  ourselves over pittances. Let it go. Not a huge fan of where people are going to lunch? Suck it up and go with them anyway. Try something different. Still angry about something someone said to you years ago? Let it go: the reality is that they probably don’t even remember it. Whatever it is that you’re all hung up on that’s been ruining your decade, just let it go. It’s seriously not worth the effort you’re putting into it.

  Along this same vein: you can’t control everything, so don’t try. Let it go. Have some confidence in yourself: you’ll find a way to deal with it — whatever “it” is — when you get to it. Human beings are wonderfully adaptable creatures, and there have been others who have found ways to deal with worse than you will ever see.

How’s that for Sunday brunch food for thought? And it didn’t even cost you the $40 you might have paid for a self-help book!

You’re welcome. Now go and bestow some warmth on someone who means something to you.

You can read Robert Fischer’s blog at Enfranchised Mind. He’s @RobertFischer on Twitter.

Music was my first love, and right now I feel like making love.   So, in the spirit of AV’s “15 High-Energy Songs to Have Sex to,”  I’ve compiled a list of tunes that make me swoon.  

FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE

IN LOVE WITH YOU – Erykah Badu & Stephen Marley

He said he’s really diggin me.  I don’t know what to say
I can’t imagine why I feel so weak, say, say.  
That’s when he took my heart in his hands, and kissed it gently.
He open up his lips then said this poetry. 

 ALL YOUR WAY – Morphine

I run good but I’m hard to start, and the brakes are bad so I’m hard to stop. I found a woman who’s soft but she’s also hard.  While I slept she nailed down my heart.

MAY THIS BE LOVE – Jimi Hendrix

Waterfall, nothing can harm me at all,
my worries seem so very small
with my waterfall.

NUMBER 1 CRUSH: – Garbage

I will lie for you,
beg and steal for you,
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see,
you’re just like me.

ONLY YOU  – Portishead

It’s only you, who can tell me apart
And it’s only you, who can turn my wooden heart

STRANGLEHOLD  – Ted Nugent

Here I come again now baby like a dog in heat. Tell it’s me by the way now baby.  I like to tap the streets. 

FEELS LIKE HEAVEN – Kenny Vaughan & the Art of Love

When I’m with you baby (lalalalala lala)
You make me feel so good inside (Oooooooh) {just can’t stand it baby}
everything we do, every place we go (lalalalala lala)
I caught my love oh no no

DREAM – Alice Smith

There was a time that I didn’t have you around.  Back in them days my heart never made a sound.  Now it’s beating like my head’s in the clouds.
Never doubt that I’m a always be down to hang around you.

THE BEAUTIFUL ONES – Prince

Baby, baby, baby, can’t you stay with me tonight?  Oh baby, baby, baby, don’t my kisses please u right? 
You were so hard to find
the beautiful ones, they hurt you everytime.

WHOLE LOTTA LOVE – Led Zeppelin

You’ve been coolin’, baby, I’ve been droolin’, 
All the good times I’ve been misusin’, 
Way, way down inside, I’m gonna give you my love, 
I’m gonna give you every inch of my love, 
Gonna give you my love.

As a woman, I’m impressed by endurance during sex. But I have to confess that there are times when a quickie is far more suitable.

These are crazy busy times, after all, sometimes, we just want to take it to go.

Problem? I find that the art of the quickie has nearly been lost. So we here at Sex and the 405 have decided that today is going to be International Quickie Day and we’re all going to practice this fine, nearly lost tradition.

The instructions are simple: just do it. Don’t wait for the time or place, the sunset or the next glass of wine, just freaking do it.

A few positions to get you started (excuse the names and heteronormativity–it’s Cosmo. We tried doing our own but we don’t know if you understand hieroglyphs and Nerve’s stuff is MIA):

Stand and deliver: standing, to be done up against a wall.

The Hot Rod: leg raised, with man entering from behind.

The Lusty Leg Lift: standing with a leg up over his shoulder.

Sofa Spread-Eagle: on a couch, spread your legs until you’re level with your partner’s penis.

Slippery When Wet: standing, he enters from behind.

Have at them, but remember–a quickie is less than ten minutes.

Some people judge one another by what they drive, others by where they work, others by who they know. I judge people by what they listen to. You can imagine what I was thinking when I read SPIKE’s Top 10 Best Songs To Have Sex To.

I can’t imagine a bigger clit-softener than hearing Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing” come on the iLuv. Seriously?

So, since music is a matter of person taste and I’m having such a great time being a judgmental asshole, I thought I would extend the same courtesy to all of you and offer some of the songs I’d love having sex to right this second.

Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer,” the sex playlist favorite did not make the cut. Sorry, Trent. My sex is too high energy for you.

Supervixen by Garbage

“Make a whole new religion, a falling star that you cannot live without, and I’ll feed your obsessions. There is nothing but this thing you’ll never doubt, this thing you’ll never doubt.”

Buttons (feat. Snoop) by The Pussycat Dolls

“Baby, can’t you see how these clothes are fitting on me and the heat coming from this beat–I’m about to blow. I don’t think you know. I’m telling you loosen up my buttons, baby, but you keep fronting, saying what you going to do to me but I ain’t seen nothing.

Coming Up From Behind by Marcy Playground

“She’s got an avalanche packed into a snowball.”

Ooh La La by Goldfrapp

“Switch me on, turn me up. Don’t want it Baudelaire, just glitter lust.”

Las de la Intuición by Shakira

“Don’t ask me more about me–you know what the answer is. Since I laid eyes on you, I know what I’m going for. I propose to be your perfect victim. I propose to be an eruption.”

Lights On by The Pierces

“Make love with the lights on, baby, tell me what you see. Clear the bed to lie on darlin’, make a mess of me.”

Love Sex Magic (ft. Justin Timberlake) by Ciara

“Baby, show me, show me what’s your favorite trick that you wanna use on me and I’ll volunteer and I’ll be flowing and going, ’til clothing disappears, ain’t nothing but shoes on me.”

I Like It Rough by Lady GaGa

“You got me wondering why I like it rough, I like it rough, I like it rough.”

Love Stoned by Justin Timberlake

“Man I swear she’s bad and she knows, I think that she knows. She’s freaky and she knows it. She’s freaky, but I like it.”

Progulka by Zemfira

“I need it and I don’t. You’re my loneliness.”

Take Me on the Floor by The Veronicas

“You captivate me, something about you has got me, I was lonely now you make me feel alive–will you be mine tonight? Take me on the floor, I can’t take it any more. I want you, I want you, I want you to show me love.”

3 by Britney Spears

“What we do is innocent, just for fun and nothin’ meant. If you don’t like the company, let’s just do it you and me. You and me. Or three. Or four–on the floor!”

Pin by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

“I like to sleep with him, pushin’ in the pin. I like to sleep with him. Well I know, I know.”

All The Things She Said by t.A.T.u.

“Wanna fly to a place where it’s just you and me, nobody else so we can be free.”

My Favourite Game by The Cardigans

“You rip me up and spread me all around in the dust of the deed of time and this is not a case of lust, you see. It’s not a matter of you versus of me.”

Conquest by The White Stripes

“And then in the strange way things happen, their roles were reversed from that day, the hunted became the huntress, the hunter became the prey.”

What songs get you going?

Image by Sharyn Morrow, modified.

Think about the sex and relationship(s) you’re having. Is this what you want?

Debby Herbenick, a sex educator at The Kinsey Institute, and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction is fully responsible for this morning’s post-adolescent existential crisis.

“Too often in love and in sex, we go with the flow. We think things are going well enough or there’s no apparent conflict (and many of us are scared of conflict) so as long as there are no rough waters, we think everything must be fine,” Herbenick writes in a column for Psychology Today. “We’re safe, comfortable, maybe we even think at times that safe and comfortable add up to happy. And then one day someone asks us what we want. And we realize–in a startlingly vulnerable moment–that maybe what we have or what we’ve chased after isn’t what we want after all.”

I want you to take some time this weekend and make a list of what you want. That’s right, kids. Homework.

“See where it takes you,” suggests Herbenick. “Hopefully, it will move you closer to a place that feels right and that, in the barest of moments, helps you to breathe out gently, knowing that you’ve found it (at last).”

OK, I’ll go first, off the top of my head (good luck reading it):

Now you go–and share the link!

“A place can influence a couples’ pleasure quotient,” says Dr. Shivi Jaggi, a sex counselor. “Any place outside the stereotypical bedroom will help couples keep alive their sexual fire. The reason why they find hotel rooms more appealing than their bedrooms is because it’s a new pleasure playground that takes their mind away from mundane domesticity and adds a zing of excitement.”

Anyone who read that would think, oh, I don’t know, the boardroom at your office, a bathroom stall in a bar, a changing room at a boutique, a truck stop off a highway on the way to someplace else…

Not the Times of India. Their choice locations for escaping the sex doldrums are: the garage (careful not to hit the horn!), the attic (watch your head!), the basement (remember the echo magnifies moans!), the storage room (careful with the dust!), the balcony (remember your kids!), and the rooftop (watch for nosy neighbors!).

The balcony idea was not bad–though I have to say that the suggestion that a couple lock up the kids in their rooms so they don’t interrupt will probably not fly very well in the United States. But we Americans are weird like that. We’re always worrying about The Children–I think it’s amazing we have sex at all with all the worrying we do.

I’m into the rooftop, too. I like the rush of heights, though, so I’d probably skip the flowers and go right to the edge. If I wrote a similar list, my warnings–if I were to include them, which is kind of a downer, but I guess that’s the responsible thing–would probably say stuff like “injury/death/arrest may result.” This being the U.S., I’d probably have to have some kind of a legal statement, too, to avoid liability.

OK, I don’t know about you, but that totally killed my mojo.

One thing I will say–I’m jealous of anyone who can dig up Kama Sutra paintings from their storage rooms–hell, I’m jealous of anyone who has storage space in their house. Obviously, I’ve got to go to India.

What’s the one place you’ve done the deed that you’ll never forget?

Image by Brainbitch.