So You Wanna Pay for Pussy? Step 3: Take out or delivery?

Incall versus outcall. The bulk of my personal experience has been of the incall variety. That is to say, I go to the escort’s location rather than her coming to mine. It works for me. I find I prefer the banging-a-hot-chick-in-a-lavish hotel room encounter to the doing-it-on-my-futon encounter. But that’s just me. You have your own kink, I’m not here to judge.

There are many good reasons for preferring to stay in or preferring to go out. Both are equally valid choices. You can find quality companionship for either option.

Here’s some general rules to follow. First, plan ahead. Whether you’re visiting a lady’s incall or inviting someone over to your love shack, it’s bad form to expect a gal to be available on extremely short notice. Sure, you can find lots of girls, mostly Craigslist-type hookers, who will eagerly say “come on over now” when you find yourself with your dick in your hand at 3:00 AM. But that’s not for everybody.

I understand why some guys would prefer to stay home. You’re likely to be more comfortable in familiar surroundings. But if you have a wife, if you have nosy neighbors or if you don’t know how to do basic laundry, you may want to rethink the stay-at-home option. But hey, maybe the wife is out of town and it’s now or never. As with most aspects of the hooker/client interaction, proper prior planning is key.

You’re not ordering a pizza. The blowjob will not be free if the hooker doesn’t get there in thirty minutes or less.

Plan ahead. Do your homework, make all your arrangements ahead of time so that when the lovely escort you’ve chosen shows up at your doorstep it’ll be a pleasurable experience for both of you. You’re the host, act like one. That means you should not only clean yourself up (wash your balls) but you should make an effort to clean up the house. I mean really, you think that high-dollar hottie is going to be at her best if she has to climb over a pile of dirty laundry to get to the bed? It wouldn’t be out of line to offer her a drink, maybe a glass of wine, and many will accept. But being safety conscious, you should also have a couple of unopened bottles of water handy.

Stay hydrated. And while you may perform better in familiar surroundings, it’s probably a good idea to put away that picture of your wife you keep on your nightstand. Not because you may offend the hooker, but because the last thing you need while you’re boning some paid ass is to look over and see your wedding picture. After all is said and done, make sure you wash all the sheets and towels before the wife comes home. You may not mind sleeping on a wet spot, but your wife will notice the smell of strange pussy on her favorite Laura Ashleys.

True story: I know a guy whose temporary girlfriend started her period while frolicking in his bed (hey, biology happens). Imagine trying to explain away that stain.

So, if you want to avoid all the hassles of hosting your own party, maybe finding a lady who offers incall services is preferable. Here again, plan, plan, plan. Think about what type of encounter you want. Are you looking for the drive through or the eat in? At the lower end of the spectrum you have the fast food, chain motel, high volume provider. You pay your money, you take your ride, you go home satisfied. And you didn’t even have to take your socks off.

Or maybe, being an adult, you’ll gravitate towards the luxury model, the lady who sets up shop in a four-star hotel. The advantages here are clear. Somebody else washes the sheets, and clean towels are just a phone call to housekeeping away. There’s a fantasy element involved. It’s easier to step out of your everyday life; to forget about your terrible job, your broken car, your shrill nagging soul-crushing hateful bitch shrew of a wife. What, too much?

Going to a smaller chain motel you’re more likely to encounter the watchful gaze of the front desk clerk. And trust me, they know why you’re there in the middle of the afternoon. They don’t care, but they know. However, if your assignation takes place in a larger luxury hotel, particularly one that caters to business clients, you’ll have no problem getting in and out. And there’s a lot to be said for a large comfortable pillow-top mattress with clean sheets and a down comforter. A lot to be said for blackout curtains and a hot shower. And can you really put a price on banging a hot chick up against the windows looking out over the city skyline? Well, yeah, about $400, but you get the point.

Whether you stay home or go out, the more comfortable the surroundings, the safer everyone feels, the more you’re going to get out of it. Your goal is to make the experience feel more like an afternoon with your ridiculously hot, willing girlfriend than something you’d regret. And speaking of the girlfriend experience… what is a GFE? That’s next.

Read Part Two.

Hooker Addict (@hookeraddict) has wasted much of the last few years wading through the local escort/hobbyist message boards. From finding a hooker to making the date, not getting ripped off or worse; this is about paying for sex. With actual cash. A few years ago, he became fascinated with streeetwalkers, but now the game has changed. Moved indoors, online. He’s just Some Guy, with no skills and no game. And he still gets more pussy than you.

So You Wanna Pay for Pussy? Step 2: How much is that pussy in the window?

You’ve done your homework, you’ve searched the ads on Craigslist, Backpage or any of a slew of hooker message boards and you’re just captivated by those lace-clad boobs staring back at you from the screen. So how much should you pay for pussy?

If ya have to ask, you can’t afford it.

Truth is, you can find many lovely ladies at all service levels in all price ranges. But, in my considered professional opinion, you always get what you pay for.

When the topic of price comes up on hobbyist discussion boards (and it always does) someone is bound to trot out the tired old analogies. They compare hookers to cars, to meals, to stores. All of that misses the mark. And it’s insulting to boot. They always say something along the lines of “well, whaddaya want? A Lexus or a Toyota? A burger or a Porterhouse? Wal-Mart or Tifanny’s?” I mean really. You’re actually going to compare a girl to meat? And you wonder why they think you’re crass. As an aside, I’ll just note that while I have known hookers named Lexus and Tiffany, I have to this date never met one named Porterhouse.

You’re not buying a product, you’re contracting with someone to provide an extremely intimate personal service.

OK, dollars and cents. As a general rule, girls advertising on Craigslist or Humaniplex tend to be the lower end of the spectrum. Usually in the $100 to $150 range. You’ll find some for a bit more, a bit less, but that’s the general range. For your hundred bucks, you’re usually going to get limited service. It’ll tend to be the get in/get off/get out type of service. Often, these are the girls that are working out of some slightly seedy chain motel in the Valley. They’re the high volume providers. Clock watchers? Hell yeah. They may say that the fee is for the half hour service, but you’ll be outta there within 12 minutes of dropping trou. If that’s what you want… if that’s what you think the experience is all about… then that’s what you’re gonna get for a hundred bucks.

Once you move up to review sites like The Erotic Review or Eros.com you’re moving into a pricier neighborhood. But you can expect greatly improved levels of service.

When you start getting into the $300-$600 range, you’ll be more likely spending time with ladies who offer the GirlFriend Experience. That one term more than any other is a subject of fierce debate in the hoooker/john world. What exactly does it mean? Definitions vary, and we’ll get into those more in another installment. But for now, suffice to say that you’re paying for a more well-rounded, total experience. You’ll be spending time with a lady who tends to be a lower volume provider. That is, she usually is only seeing a small number of clients a day. This gets to be important… if you want a girl who’s had time to shower between clients. If that kinda thing isn’t important to you — well, it should be. You made sure to wash your sweaty balls before going to see her, didn’t you? Didn’t you? Well, a high class, GFE escort has made sure she’s fresh and clean for you, too.

From there, you start getting into escorts who offer multi-hour appointments, ladies who schedule overnight appointments, who have dinner date appointments, who are willing to travel to you in distant cities. All of that costs money, of course, but again, you get what you pay for. If that’s the level of service you want (and why shouldn’t you? An erudite man-of-the-world like you deserves nothing less) then start saving your money now. Overnight sessions, you can expect $2500 or more. If you’re interested in booking time with an established porn star (and there are a few out there who see clients) plan on spending upwards of $1000 per hour to start. Is it worth it? Hey, you’ve watched plenty of porn, you think that shit is easy?

So here’s the mechanics of the thing, and these rules hold true pretty much across the board at all price points. Rule number one: this is strictly a cash business. Sure, you can find escorts and agencies that will accept credit cards, but c’mon. You really want a hooker to have your credit card number? No matter how much you trust her, that’s a recipe for disaster. But have some fucking sense. You’re not gonna walk into a hotel room and hand some strange girl a wad of cash. Be discreet, mutherfucker. Have the cash (and it better all be there) in a small envelope, maybe put it in a thank-you card. When you get to the room, place the envelope in plain view on the nightstand. Sometimes she’ll take it into the bathroom. This is so she can count it without you watching (and so she can hide it so you can’t snatch it back).

If you’re really classy, maybe a small gift bag and card. But if you’re gonna do it that way, do it right and actually put a small gift in the small gift bag. Just sayin’.

Do not, under any circumstances, say anything to her about the money. “Hey, here’s your three hundred bucks cash, let’s get to fucking,” is a sure way to get your ass thrown out. Minus $300. It’s all about discretion.

So far, I’ve been working on the assumption that you’ll be visiting her at her location, whether her home, apartment or hotel. We haven’t gotten into the difference between incall (you go to her) and outcall (she comes to you). Both have their pros and cons. But that’s Part Three.

Read Part One.

Hooker Addict (@hookeraddict) has wasted much of the last few years wading through the local escort/hobbyist message boards. From finding a hooker to making the date, not getting ripped off or worse; this is about paying for sex. With actual cash. A few years ago, he became fascinated with streeetwalkers, but now the game has changed. Moved indoors, online. He’s just Some Guy, with no skills and no game. And he still gets more pussy than you.

So You Wanna Pay for Pussy? Step 1: Where to Find It

I don’t know for sure how you got to this point, and I’m not here to judge. You have your reasons. Maybe your wife stopped having sex with you, or you just need variety or your dad never took you fishing. I don’t know and I don’t care. I don’t know you. I’m not your wife, your shrink, I’m not Jiminy fuckin’ Cricket.

What do I care if you wanna fuck hookers? You have your reasons, that’s good enough for me.

This isn’t about the “why”, this is about the “how.”

The relentless craving for pussy is keeping you up at night. And awake, too. But you haven’t abdicated all the decision making to your little head, you still have a shred of sense left in your big head, and something in what you call your conscience tells you that there’s danger ahead. So you don’t know where to begin the hunt for paid poon.

If you’re like most guys you’ve found yourself driving through the seedier parts of town, wondering if that girl in the mini skirt at the bus stop is a hooker or not. (Pro tip: are you in the Valley? Then chances are, yes, she is.) But you know better than to proposition some random girl on the street. Don’t you?

The first place almost every neophyte john starts is Craigslist. You’ve read all the sordid news stories about how it’s the new gathering place for virtual hookups and sex-for-hire. But you’ve also read the sensationalistic news stories about yet another Craigslist prostitution ring broken up by intrepid detectives. And the last thing you need is to get caught your first time out. So here’s some tips to get you started and hopefully keep you safe.

Sure, by all means, check out Craigslist. Check out Backpage.com. They both have adult services sections with escort ads, and have local editions for pretty much everywhere. But know that they are the low end of the spectrum when it comes to escorts. Baby steps. We’ll work you up to the high-dollar hotties soon enough, but you have to learn to walk before you can run. You’re more likely to come up against a bait & switch scam using those services than others. That means that the hot chick in the picture isn’t necessarily the same girl that’s gonna answer the door. You have to learn to do some homework.

If you’re cruising Craigslist or Backpage, you supposedly know enough about the Internet to do a basic Google search. When you find a girl you like, the first thing you need to do is Google her phone number. If she’s who she says she is, the search will come back with her other ads on other sites. Check those out as well, they may lead you in another direction. They’ll clue you in to whether or not this is really a hooker or a vice cop setting up a sting operation. There are also review sites like The Erotic Review and Escorts.com which will give you a glimpse into what you might expect if you book time with this girl.

You’re gonna be worried about getting ripped off, arrested or worse. So take precautions before you head out. Chances are, the cops aren’t interested in you, particularly if you’re doing your cruising online rather than on the Boulevard. Legit girls will usually have reviews. Not every escort has reviews, however, and there are perfectly good reasons why not. So don’t panic if you don’t find reviews. Some well-established escorts don’t allow clients to write reviews. But they will have web sites.

There are sites like The Erotic Review or Escorts.com, where those stalwart whore-mongering explorers who came before you have paved the trail for you. My advice to you (which you won’t listen to) is to read those sites, but don’t register, become a paying member or get involved in the discussion forums.

Be prepared to be hung up on if you use any inappropriate language. This includes any mention of any sex act. Don’t be stupid. Don’t call up some random girl and ask if you can come over to fuck her. And you’re not going to be clever and bypass that restriction by using coded language like “GFE” or referring to roses or kisses or candy instead of dollars. Everybody knows why you’re calling, no one needs it spelled out. Be respectful when you call. Be respectful when you show up. And for fuck’s sake, wash your balls before you go.

So, now you’ve narrowed it down, you’ve found a girl you like and you’re ready to take the plunge dick-first into a rented pussy. In Part Two, I’ll walk you through the “how much” part of the “how to.”

Go to Part Two.

Hooker Addict (@hookeraddict) has wasted much of the last few years wading through the local escort/hobbyist message boards. From finding a hooker to making the date, not getting ripped off or worse; this is about paying for sex. With actual cash. A few years ago, he became fascinated with streeetwalkers, but now the game has changed. Moved indoors, online. He’s just Some Guy, with no skills and no game. And he still gets more pussy than you.