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Cheating Women: The “New” Infidelity

March 27, 2010 Cheaters, Culture 1 Comment

Since we’re on a roll with cheating here at Sex and the 405, we thought we would bring up this oldie but goodie from Details magazine, which explores the cheating habits of the human female:

“There are a lot of reasons why women cheat now, and the simplest is that they can,” says Diane Shader Smith, the author of Undressing Infidelity: Why More Women Are Unfaithful. “Nowadays women have jobs. And if they’re home, there are gardeners, there are pool men. They have opportunities and they feel empowered.” They also feel sexual. And while your prowess with a Dyson is commendable, it’s hardly titillating.

Make no mistake: Women can be just as driven as men are in pursuit of a fling.

“Women have become, in many ways, as predatory as men,” says Judith Brandt, the author of The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette. And the prey is abundant. We grew up with the bejesus scared out of us by Anjelica Huston in Crimes and Misdemeanors and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. The libido-withering moral was clear: It’s just not worth it, man. But where’s the male equivalent? Your wife’s potential playmate probably has no interest in annexing your emotional territory.

And he’s accessible: Today’s wife knows nothing of the isolation of her mid-century counterpart. She has Internet chat rooms and cell phones. She has personal trainers, yoga instructors, and mommy groups.

And here’s another one from their archives that we found amusing — “Look Who’s Sleeping With Your Wife”:

If you think your wife is going about her daily routine—exercising, working, shopping, taking the kids to after-school activities—without encountering guys who want to sleep with her, you’re delusional. She’s being hit on all the time. Take the yoga instructor. He’s the modern equivalent of Warren Beatty in Shampoo, and his core strength—and genuine way with your wife’s Kundalini—isn’t lost on her. Then there’s that brooding, troubled ex she gets a drink with every now and then. This guy makes her feel needed—in a way that’s very different from the way you do when you get home from work and tell her all about your lousy day. The other men she interacts with daily—the stay-at-home dad down the block whose daughter is friends with yours, the boss who so generously gives her flexible hours, the twentysomething soccer coach who looks at her like she’s a 21st-century Anne Bancroft—have a hold on her affection simply because they’re around when you’re not. And what all of these men have in common is that they present a refreshing alternative to, well, you.

“I see more women who cheat than men,” says Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and the author of The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart. Barash estimates that close to 60 percent of married women have had extramarital sex.

“With men’s affairs, it tends to be not enough sex—with women it tends to be not enough attention and interaction,” Tessina says. According to [Susan Shapiro Barash, the author of A Passion for More: Wives Reveal the Affairs That Make or Break Their Marriages], most women feel an “unrelenting need for romance and excitement.” And they’re not getting them in the half-hour they spend flipping through magazines while you watch The Daily Show every night after the kids go to bed.

Panicking yet boys? Considered the playing field leveled. You’re welcome.

Image and articles from Details.

Why Men Cheat

March 26, 2010 Cheaters, Culture 1 Comment

Cheating is so in this season. The rags and TV can’t shut up about it. We haven’t heard anything like this at Sex and the 405 since the Tickle Me Elmo.

This is from an anonymous piece on April’s Esquire:

I’ll tell you why I cheat. I need to. Infidelity makes me remember things. The details that expand to fill my life (my upcoming performance reviews, the aches and pains of training, the recovery of my 401(k) ) and the ones that deaden it (my guilt, my smug self-satisfaction, my fake epiphanies about my progress in this life) —all of that drops away when I look down at the naked spine of an unfamiliar woman, twisting slightly in the late-afternoon sunlight streaming onto the sheets of a Hampton Inn in some nameless suburb. This is the most absolute choice I can make. I am there on my own. Against every code, rule, and set of mores I pretend to obey. Against better judgment, against every lesson of hindsight and every shard of wisdom that comes with age, I have no regrets in that moment, because I am naked, or without pants, and I have chosen to be there. I have voted by my presence, declared it, and I feel the blood moving in me again. So it’s the blood. That’s who I am. That’s why men cheat.

We heard that when our editrix read this piece, she cried. We don’t entirely believe it, but, wow, imagine that.

Image and article from Esquire.

Maxim’s Cheater’s Guide

March 25, 2010 Cheaters, Lessons No Comments

We happened to stumble on some notes for one of our editrix’s columns in the newsroom today (at least we hope they’re notes for a column, and not something she’s actually using in her personal life, in which case, whoops!). It’s a summary of Maxim‘s March issue’s article: “SEX: CHEAT & DON’T GET CAUGHT. Women Tell You How.”

“Famous men aren’t the only cheaters. According to a recent MSNBC poll, one in five people in a monogamous relationship has a side piece – and that figure includes women. Yet you never hear about female betrayal in newspapers and tabloids. Why? Because we’re better at hiding it.”

The article lists seven tips for avoiding exposure, summarized as follows:

  1. Switch the gender: Everyone snoops, even if it’s only a casual glance when a text comes in, so change the gender of your paramour to avoid suspicion. And change the phone settings if you have a phone like an iPhone so the content of texts don’t pop up as you receive them. “If she sees a message from ‘Steve’ that reads ‘I want you inside me,’ you could have some ‘splainin’ to do.”
  2. Hackproof your life: If you have had the same password since there was e-mail and use it for all your sites, you are leaving yourself open. Rather than changing your password (changes can be so suspicious), the best bet is to create a whole new account for your affairs. And you need to remember to log out of it every time you use your computer.
  3. Be available: There is no tip-off like dropping off the face of the earth, so be good about answering your phone, even if it’s just to send a quick text to let them know you’ll call at another time.
  4. Take it to the grave: People talk. Resist the urge to share. When it comes to affairs, there is no “sisterhood” or “bro code.” It’s every man and woman for themselves.
  5. Choose wisely: “Perhaps the single most important factor in having your affair go unnoticed is choosing a girl who won’t – or can’t – throw you under the bus.”
  6. Don’t date your fling: “Fuck, don’t date,” the article quotes Mara, a 30-year-old financial adviser. “Don’t meet up for coffee, don’t confide in each other about your lives, don’t even exchange numbers if you can avoid it. Just fuck.” The article adds: “Emotional involvement makes you more susceptible to slip-ups.”
  7. Don’t overcompensate: “You should preserve the status quo in your relationship. Don’t suddenly start lavishing your girl with gifts.”

Curious? InfidelitySupport scanned the article. Click to read page 1 and
page 2.

Article via InfidelitySupport.

An Auto-Delete App for Safer Sexting

Text messages. We’re willing to bet that eight times out of 10, these are the reason cheaters get caught — not that we have any experience with this or anything here at Sex and the 405. We never get caught.

Anyway, our dahlias of decadence and depravity, technology is smiling upon us again. Allow us to present to you an app especially suited to the misbehaving sexter (and low-budget spr-sekrit agent): TigerText.

Tiger for Tiger Woods, the professional golfer whose moral downfall was catalyzed by naughty texts? The founders claim the app was named before the debacle. Sure it was.

Interested? The app is free right now, so this is a great time to go snatch it up. Make an account with a username and password using your phone number and specify how much time you want to give texts before they expire.

Lifespan is the length of time a text will exist on the your phone, recipient’s device (whether the text is accessed or not), and the company’s servers.

Turning Delete History ON will remove all history of conversations from your device each time you close the application.

Turning Delete on Read ON will remove the message from the recipient’s phone one minute from the time the text is opened. If the text is unopened by the recipient, the default setting for text lifespan will come into play. In this case, that means the text will be deleted automatically in 15 minutes.

Drawback? The recipient must also install TigerText — fine if you have an iPhone, but versions for BlackBerry and Android are still not available.

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Gamers Won’t Be Seduced, Will Stare At Random Cleav Instead

That Steam allows the objectification and sexualization of female characters in a variety of its games but refuses to accept a game about actually engaging with women in a more interactive fashion is astonishingly backward.

FetLife Is Not Safe for Users

That the site doesn’t take measures to protect user content and has shown incompetence or negligence in regard to user privacy, all the while prohibiting victims from warning others about predatory behavior creates an environment where it is nearly impossible for members of the community to take care of themselves and one another. By enabling FetLife to continue espousing a code of silence, allowing the spinning self-created security issues as “attacks,” and not pointing out how disingenuous FetLife statements about safety are, we are allowing our community to become a breeding ground for exploitation.

Why You Should Vote No On Prop 35

Should people who benefit (parents, siblings, children, roommates!) from the earnings of “commercial sex acts” (any sexual conduct connected to the giving or receiving of something of value) be charged with human trafficking? Should someone who creates obscene material that is deemed “deviant” be charged as with human trafficking? Should someone who profits from obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should people transporting obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should a person who engages in sex with someone claiming to be above the age of consent or furnishing a fake ID to this effect be charged with human trafficking? What if I told you the sentences for that kind of conviction were eight, 14 or 20 years in prison, a fine not to exceed $500,000, and life as a registered sex offender?

Pretty and Calls Herself a Geek? Attention Whore!

If you are a woman, you might be given a chance to prove yourself in this community. Since there is no standard definition of what a “geek” is and it will vary from one judge to the next anyway, chances of failing are high (cake and grief counseling will be available after the conclusion of the test!). If you somehow manage to succeed, you’ll be tested again and again by anyone who encounters you until you manage to establish yourself like, say, Felicia Day. But even then, you’ll be questioned. As a woman, your whole existence within the geek community will be nothing but a series of tests — if you’re lucky. If you aren’t lucky, you’ll be harassed and threatened and those within the culture will tacitly agree that you deserve it.

Cuddle Chemical? Moral Molecule? Not So Fast

Zak’s original field, it turns out, is economics, a far cry from the hearts and teddy bears we imagine when we consider his nickname. But after performing experiments on generosity, Zak stumbled on the importance of trust in interactions, which led him, rather inevitably, to research about oxytocin. Oxytocin, you might remember, is a hormone that has been linked previously to bonding — between mothers and children primarily, but also between partners. What Zak has done is take the research a step further, arguing in his recent book, The Moral Molecule, that oxytocin plays a role in determining whether we are good or evil.

How to Avoid Pissing off a Stripper

Let’s talk about the strippers. Whether they like to be half-naked or not, whether they enjoy turning you on or not, there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re working. Whether you think that taking one’s clothes off for money is a great choice of career is really beside the point (is it a possibility for you to make $500 per hour at your job without a law degree? Just asking). These women are providing fantasy, yes, but that is their job. And as a patron of the establishment where they work, you need to treat them like you would anyone else who provides a service to you.

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Editrix-in-Command:
AV Flox

In-House Theologian:
Robert Fischer

Eros and Desire Scholar:
Dawn Kaczmar

Scientific Consultant:
Jason Goldman

East Coast Liaison:
Jackie Summers

Arch-Nemesis:
Barbie Davenporte

Read about the contributors we've had over time on our staff page.

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Sex and the 405 is what your newspaper would look like if it had a sex section.

Here you’ll find news about the latest research being conducted to figure out what drives desire, passion, and other sex habits; reviews of sex toys, porn and other sexy things; coverage of the latest sex-related news that have our mainstream media's panties up in a bunch; human interest pieces about sex and desire; interviews with people who love sex, or hate sex, or work in sex, or work to enable you to have better sex; opinion pieces that relate to sex and society; and the sex-related side of celebrity gossip. More...