She screws! She Talks! SHE HAS AN OFF SWITCH!

Before we begin, we want to take a second to instantaneously orgasm at the realization that we are thisclose to living in a postcyberpunk universe, OMG. The cyborgs are so close, the Sex and the 405 newsroom can almost taste them! Nom nom nom! /geekery

But let’s explore the robots that are actually among us, shall we?

Meet Roxxxy, a 5-foot-7-inches TrueCompanion that outweighs our editrix at 120 pounds. Her skin is soft, her orifices are willing and! She will talk to you about anything that interests you. For as long as you like. Without rolling her eyes!

(Our editrix should send one to her ex-husband.)

A TrucCompanion is a talking sex robot. Priced at $7,000, Roxxxy is the brainchild of Douglas Hines, a mad scientist who thought to slap silicone skin on a computer with voice-recognition and speech-synthesis software, and five pre-programmed personalities ranging from Frigid Farrah to Wild Wendy — take your pick!

A motor in her chest pumps heated air through a tube that winds through Roxxxy’s body, which keeps her warm to the touch. She also has sensors in her hands and genital areas that elicit vocal responses from her when she’s touched. She even shudders to simulate orgasm (like most women you know! Just kissing, sorry).

Her battery-life is only three hours, but then, that’s more than our iPhones, so we’re not going to complain too much.

“There’s a tremendous need for this kind of product,” said Hines, who’s really a computer scientist and former Bell Labs engineer, and happily married in Licoln Park, New Jersey.

This version of the bot cannot move on its own, though it can be contorted into many positions. We’re looking forward to advances in the technology that will allow for Roxxxy to get up and make dinner, give us a back massage, then go service our boyfriends and husbands so we can deal with our deadlines.

And once they figure out all the bugs, we expect her male counterpart, a sexy man-thing to change lightbulbs, play with our hair for hours on end and, of course, do us 24/7 — between deadlines, of course.

It’s not cheating if it doesn’t have a pulse, right?

Ew, that’s gross. Sorry. YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.

Image from TrueCompanion. Information from CNN, via Denise Tanton.

Slippery Slope: Government Regulation of Sex Toys

Last month in Canada, Dr. Carolyn Bennett, a Liberal Minister of Parliament, sent a letter to the Conservative Federal Minister of Health, Leona Aglukkaq, expressing concern about the sex toy industry and asking the government to take action in regulating sex toys.

The letter, which you can read in its entirety here, read, in part:

I am writing to express my concern for the urgent need for responsible regulation in the adult toy industry. In Canada, we are not yet doing enough to protect women against the very high concentratuons of materials linked to reproductive and other health issues.

… Our current legislation is insufficient. There are safe alternatives to pththalates and [bisphenol A] that are readily available.

It sounds like a good idea, right? Like they say on Facebook: It’s Complicated.

I’m gonna turn it over now to Cory Silverberg, blogger at About.com’s Sexuality Guide, who’s written about this topic at length:

In order to regulate sex toys first one needs to define the product category for proposed regulation. What qualifies as a sex toy? Currently in the U.S. sex toys are defined legally in some states (often as devices intended for genital stimulation). But they don’t exist as a defined category by health regulators. The same is true for many other countries where the term “sex toys” won’t be found in legal or regulatory documentation.

Even among sex toy retailers and manufacturers terms like dildo, vibrator, penis ring, butt plug can mean very different things. Is a sex toy defined by how it’s intended use? How it’s commonly used? Is a sex toy defined by who uses it or what kinds of bodies it gets used on? There is no generally agreed upon taxonomy of sex toys. There isn’t even an organization or body (public or private) that would be in a position to develop such a taxonomy.

But until we’re there, I’m certainly not comfortable with a government deciding what is and isn’t a sex toy, and regulating the products they think are while ignoring the products they decide aren’t.

And that’s just the beginning. Read his impassioned piece Why Government Regulation of Sex Toys Is a Bad Idea.

I’m with Silverberg on this one. I believe in educating consumers and leaving the government out of as much as humanly possible. But then, I’m a conservative. That’s just how we roll. Or used to. Yeah, yeah.

The Eco-Sexual Invasion

Those earth-loving peeps, they’re all over the place fighting to make sure we don’t screw up ourselves or this fine planet completely. Having made strides in green living from noms to cars and light bulbs, they’re now moving into the bedroom.

Here is the latest in healthy alternatives for your loving pleasure:

TOYS

A surprising amount of sex toys contain phthalates (which only looks scary to pronounce–say it like this: “thalates.” Good job), PVC softeners that have been found to inhibit endocrine, which some studies have linked to premature puberty in girls and low sperm production in boys.

As a result of health concerns, many companies are working to produce non-toxic alternatives.

Among the many companies hitting the market are Earth Erotics, who also make that killer recycled rubber whip we showed you a month ago.

LUBES

Have you ever read the back of a bottle of lube? I’ll admit I didn’t until long into my 20s. Lube was something I judged based on how it felt–like most everything relating to sex. And then, I did it. I’ll tell you one thing: I wish I hadn’t. Dicksoftenus maximus.

Lucky for us, there’s now a booming industry of lubes devoted to stamping out scary petrochemicals and parabens: aloe lubes, shea and cocoa butter lubes, and all-natural lubes.

My personal favorite all-natural lubricant? Extra virgin organic coconut oil. You can pick it up at any organic market along with your groceries. Smells great, tastes great, doubles as an unparalleled massage oil and leaves your skin feeling delicious.

Remember one thing when shopping for your new top-notch eco-sex lube (and this goes especially for the coconut oil): some products are oil-based and not latex-compatible. Make sure that you and your partner or partners have been tested for STIs and there’s another form of birth control in place before engaging in unprotected sex or sex that mixes latex-incompatible lubes and condoms.

BIRTH CONTROL

We’ve told you about vegan condoms, which replace the milk protein casein in latex condoms with a non-animal alternative. And for the super socially-conscious, there is French Letter, which offers an array of fair-trade rubber condoms.

Information from The Times of India and our own fountain of genius.

RealTouch: The Fleshlight Goes High-Tech

The holidays can be a brutal time for singles, people in long-distance situations, and the otherwise sensory deprived.

Well, look no further, boys. Technology is your friend.

Introducing the RealTouch! A Fleshlight-like pleasure instrument that syncs up with your porn to provide you the sort of sensory experience you only dreamed about–until now!

I knew it was only a matter of time before technology took penile stimulation to the other side after watching Ron Jeremy’s One Eyed Monster (remember that red-headed geek’s ultimate weapon? Mmm, yes. And we’re kidding about the geek part, Caleb, you know we love you).

So get this: the RealTouch has a haptic encoder, you just plug the USB into your computer, log into your account at RealTouch.com and select from hundreds of scenes specifically coded to transmit the movements and sensations of your favorite porn stars’ goods to your dick.

It’s not just squeezing though, it’s heat, wetness, friction and intensity. The ass will be tighter and hotter than the vagina. The hands will feel different than the action between the tits. Some girls are wetter than others–you name it, those boys in North Carolina have thought of it and coded appropriately.

And all you have to do is stand there. Well, all you have to do is fork over $199.95, then just stand there.

How does this work? I think it’s better to embrace mystery, but if you insist: this perfect multi-talented machine brings you all the heavenly delights with a combination of conveyor belts, heating coils, a lube reservoir, and a tight seal. (And just FYI: the ever-growing library includes straight, gay, she-male and, for you supergeeks, anime pr0n).

I’ve lost to machines before (PS3, XBOX…) and neither could simulate Booty Duty action or a leggy cartoon babe getting quadruple penetrated by an alien. I damn well better up my game, like, now.

Problems: there is no available Mac version yet, and Gizmodo has reported technical issues with Windows 7. Basically, this is an XP and Vista plaything for now. But stay tuned.

Image and information from Fleshbot.

Whips Gone Green

What’s better than giving or getting a good flogging, my earth-conscious poppies of pain and decadence? Giving or getting a good flogging and recycling at the same time!

Earth Erotics, a green-conscious sex toy company, produces a recycled rubber whip. It’s “a spanking to feel good about.”

I’m partial to leather–sorry, PETA–but this level of conscious involvement in procuring sex toys is just neurotic enough to make any Angelino happy.