Sex is overrated, says SmakNews. Below are their top ten reasons and our rebuttal.
1. Sex toys exist.
“Though an actual heartbeat is nice, it isn’t necessary.” If you think of sex as whatever activity preceding the orgasm, then, yes, I suppose all you’d need is something to assist in bringing that about. But the orgasm is just a small part of sex for me. I’m into the experience, the data that my sensory receptors are taking in, the way my body is perceiving this other body, the chemistry, the dance, the single entanglement within the chessboard of interactions–that’s sex for me. The bigger picture. A vibrator is as effective as hitting on my barista.
2. This B How Babby Is Formed
No sex means you don’t have to make any “morning-after stops at Planned Parenthood with your Mary-Kate Olsen sunglasses and yesterday’s makeup.” True, even the most careful person could have a condom-related fail. But then, the odds of dying in a car accident are higher and we never hesitate to step into ours–even if we’re only driving a block.
3. Food Is The New Sex
If you’ve read my column Is Food The New Sex?, you know what I’m talking about:
It’s a huge industry—all of it. Chefs are the new porn stars. We spend hours perusing produce. Everything is carefully inspected, selected, purchased, put away, then taken out, washed, cut up, mixed, put to the flame… Sex to a lot of us has lost its focus on the details. It’s lost its sensuality. The kitchen brings that careful attention to the senses right back. It resurrects eroticism
SmakNews agrees: “You see more ‘o faces’ at dining room tables than that majority of women’s bedrooms. Sad, I know.” This is not a good reason!
4. It’s A Tough Workout
“Sex is work.” I half want to let this one slide. I’ll be straight with you: once, I made the grave error of teaching an old lover a lazy sex position I picked up (off the Ars Amatoria, I believe?). I never saw the sort of high-energy sexual acrobatics I prefer again. Not once.
But, OK. Fine. I’ll be fair about it. Sex can be hard work if you end up with a borderline Tantric, Red Bull-chugging acrobat. But most people are not borderline Tantric, Red Bull-chugging acrobats. If you’re playing the field, you can easily select for endurance level in a lover as you can, oh, I don’t know, table manners.
5. It Takes Planning
“The occurrences for you to throw each other up against a wall and get down isn’t the norm,” writes SmakNews. “This isn’t Hollywood. Often there’s roommates, full stomachs, children, parents, or wall hangings that stop this all from happening… We already have enough scheduling to do in our lives, no need to pencil in sex time.” This has to be the most depressing thing I have ever heard. But I’ll admit it–I do it all the time. I totally schedule my sex, just as I do my alone time and my time with friends. I do this because these things matter–far more than that 5 o’clock meeting, if you ask me. Spontaneity killers? Please. If when you have sex is the only exciting thing about it, UR DOIN IT RONG.
Oh, PS: I’ve had sex in Hollywood–it wasn’t as great as sex in the Westside.
6. Sexually Transmitted Disease
“You don’t want to have to worry that every ingrown hair is actually a symptom of herpes.” Sexual health is a big deal and I’m a little surprised this wasn’t reason number one. I’m not going to moralize about it, but play it safe. Use a condom, get new partners tested, get yourself tested regularly. Your body is your pleasure thing. Consider it in your decisions and make sure others respect it.
7. It Can Overshadow Tenderness
“Sometimes when we’re so focused on sex, we forget that it also feels really amazing to just MAKE OUT.” I agree with this one hundred percent. I wouldn’t use it as a point in a list about how overrated sex is, or necessarily agree that making out like “horny teenagers” is really a tender, cuddly thing, but yes. Let’s bring making out, petting and all that third-base stuff back to the ball game, like, stat.
“Unless you’re in a relationship, there’s a chance that you may have to have an actual conversation with the person you boned. Sexual chemistry and mental chemistry aren’t always the same thing, you usually find that out after your second slice of morning-after bacon.” I don’t understand what kind of a passive idiot would impose this awkwardness on his or herself. It takes some grace to make an exit or kick someone out with decorum, but I’ll opt for rudeness over sitting around having breakfast with someone who makes me crazy.
This can also be entirely avoided by, you know, not sleeping with people with whom you can’t talk. Hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m just saying.
9. Sex Isn’t Always Amazing!
“Sometimes, he gets too excited, too fast, other times your rhythm is off, or your fumbling in all the wrong directions. The chances that you will be glowing with satisfaction 100% of the time are slim. That’s not reality.”
I have an aunt who always says, “life isn’t fair, get used to it.” When she says this, her husband always adds, “you’re gonna eat a lot of shit, so pray for a small spoon.” Their kid’s favorite expression is, “it is what it is.” No it isn’t, it is what you make it. Life isn’t fair or unfair, it is variables. Just as sex is a series of variables that largely depends on what you make it.
Am I missing the point? Am I not enough of a realist? Maybe. But let me tell you something–reality is the last thing I want in my sex. And guess what? If you approach it with that attitude, you can transcend reality. It’s all in approach, baby. Embrace it.
10. Your Body Isn’t Perfect
“We all have our insecurities and when you’re naked in front of someone, you’ve got to suck it up, or suck it in,” says the article. I’m going to defer to Sophia Loren on this one, because no one could say it better: “Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.” She’s right, you know. Besides, I don’t know about you, but when someone’s inside me, the absolute last thing I’m thinking is how not toned his abs are or whether his toenails are properly pedicured or his teeth need whitening or if the hairs between his eyebrows are under control.
So enough, go out there and enjoy some good, safe sex, will you?