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Great Sexpectations: New Year’s Eve

December 27, 2009 Lessons, Opinion No Comments

My ex-husband proposed to me on New Year’s Eve at my favorite restaurant in Lima, over to-die-for anticuchos de foie gras (later, when we found ourselves seated beside the chef, Gaston Acurio, on a flight out of the city, I’d joke that if my marriage fell apart, I’d blame it entirely on the menu. It’s funny now, you can laugh).

We’d talked about marriage before he proposed, what we expected, what we wanted, children (that we didn’t want any)–we’d even discussed the terms of our divorce, should it ever happen (because we’re cynical assholes like that, but let me tell you, when it came down to it, we had a relatively painless divorce because we were pretty clear on everything. Just saying).

Anyway, my point in bringing this up is that I wasn’t expecting it. So when the countdown started and everyone rose and he got down on one knee, it was all sorts of magical.

And if he hadn’t gotten down on one knee (he told me he’d been debating having the pilot of the plane propose during that flight I mentioned previously), I wouldn’t have been disappointed.

Expectations are silent killers. They corrode love and passion from the inside. Now, I’m not saying you should expect nothing. If you wish to be married and meet someone with whom you see that happening and you talk about it and the person is in agreement that they wish to one day marry, then you should be free to imagine one day that person will be you and free to express this desire.

But don’t put a date to it. And don’t imagine that somehow, telepathically, your significant other is going to know when you think it should happen.

Here’s an infographic for you, courtesy of Tracy Cox’s excellent column at News of the World:

Talk about what you want and what you expect honestly. Be clear, without pressuring the other person. Ask what your partner wants and expects, too. Listen.

Here’s the cynic again: if proposals that come from the heart have a low chance of survival as it is–do you really think proposals that are born in a pressure cooker are going to fare better?

Relax, sip some bubbly, and give each other a movie-screen kiss to usher in the new year. Magical memories can be made out of any moment–they don’t require a ring.

Infographic from News of the World.

“Sex and the City 2″? More Like “Friends And The Desert”

December 23, 2009 Culture, Film, Opinion 4 Comments

We’ve seen the Sex and the City 2 trailer and there seems to be no sex in that movie at all. I’m sure Kim Cattrall will rise to the occasion in a scene or two, as her character requires, but for the most part it seems sex is staying in this franchise’s back-burner.

That strikes a nerve with me–and bear in mind I’m going on a limb because I am basing all of this on a trailer that gives us very little information–I think sex is important and the Sex and the City franchise does it a disservice by emphasizing it during the characters’ frantic period of mate-seeking and then diminishing its prominence to zero once the girls have coupled up.

That implies sex is something we do when we’re lonely, something we do to catch a man, something that’s really not as important once we have him. But, oh, it is. Why would more than 50 percent of all married women, at some point, cheat on their mates if it didn’t really matter?

Who are we kidding? Sex is more than just a consummation of the chemical rush that we experience when we meet someone new. We need it to connect, to relax, to be happy, to be healthy, to remain a united front.

While I was married, if ever I confessed to any woman in my life that I was sexually starved, the answer never varied: sex isn’t that important, they told me. There are other things–respect, trust, love, connection.

I don’t know how sex, which once was only condoned after marriage, became divorced from the institution. Respect, trust, love and connection are all made manifest in sex. If anything, sex is the ultimate expression of these things.

The first movie touched on the disconnect between partners with the Steve and Miranda subplot, but it didn’t serve to highlight the importance of sex. “It was just sex,” Steve told Miranda when he tearfully confessed. Just sex.

That’s what they told me. It’s just sex. No one died from lack of sex.

But I did die–only it wasn’t a physical death. It was worse. And it did affect my marriage.

Marriage and relationships are work, they say. I think if we treated their components–all of them, including the sexual aspect–with the same commitment we do our jobs, we’d fare a great deal better.

But to do that, we have to stop saying, “it’s just sex,” and scream, “oh, God! It’s sex! Yes!”

Image from Sex and the City The Movie. Video via MTV.

Grab a Tiger by the Toe

December 22, 2009 Opinion 10 Comments

“A man is only as faithful as his options.”

These incredibly insightful words were taken from one of Chris Rock’s comedy acts. And, if you think about it, the statement makes all the sense in the world. Men are men after all. Primal animals at the core who oftentimes get led astray when good intentions fall victim to overwhelming temptations, resulting in poor decisions.

American journalism is completely inundated these days with news of Tiger Woods, and all of his extra-marital sexual indiscretions. Most of the world watched, with its figurative jaw on the floor, as woman after woman came forward to throw salt on the wounds of Tiger’s evidently chaffed penis.

I imagine him much more like Tiger Claus at this time of the year, singing out to his ladies strapped in to pull his sleigh… “On Rachel, on Jamie, on Kalika, on Cori…” After all, “if Santa was black”, was indeed a trending topic on Twitter… and it couldn’t just be coincidental. Tiger was clearly providing a service to these ladies, and in turn, they provided a service right back. Tiger Claus.

But what I don’t need to hear or see is another dick in the media who claims to be a doctor of “this” and a specialist of “that”, voicing their opinions on the man’s psyche. Dr. Drew, people seem to like you, so I won’t get all up in your grill, but please, shut the fuck up. Sexual addiction?


Let me drop a little science, and a little man knowledge your way. Guys who are “sexually addicted” masturbate in the bathroom stalls of fast food restaurants.

Guys that can get ample amounts of pussy because beautiful women throw it in their face all day, every day? They are called men.

The power of temptations mixed with hormones has been shaping history since the beginning of civilizations. Anyone familiar with classic literature remembers Helen being the face that launched a thousand ships. Do you really think Paris didn’t have a chick back in Troy that thought he was just off settling world conflicts, and sleeping with her picture on the pillow next to him? Give me a break. Women, like anything coveted in life, are a spoil that goes to the victor. And it will never change.

However, please do not misunderstand my point to this article. I do not condone a married man, and a father of two, spreading his seed along the PGA tour stops. I find it terrible, and I find it even more terrible that he must face all of this scrutiny and judgment in the public eye. If we were really to know Tiger, I would imagine we would find a man who felt he had been stripped of much of his youth. He was protected as a child, removed from many offerings because of his forced devotion to the game of golf. Probably did not have many friends, and even fewer girls that took notice. Fast forward 10 years, he has he world by the balls, and even the pretty white girls are chasing him down now. Just because he could, Tiger decided to marry the whitest girl walking the earth–a big fuck you to all the circles that wouldn’t accept him in his youth.

But, let me take it a step further. If Tiger were just looking to satiate his “sexual addiction”, these women would have remained nameless faceless vaginas, with very little to zero follow-through after the fucking. But it didn’t go down like that did it? You could see that Tiger, though married, was finding something in these women. Something he needed that he very clearly wasn’t getting from his wife.

Here is a newsflash to all of the Dr. Drews, and countless feminist bitches that felt the need to voice opinions on these events: sticking your dick in something warm, wet, and tight feels really really, REALLY good. As a matter of fact, I’m smiling right now just thinking of it. We are all born “addicted” to sex, you mindless fucks. It is how our species continues. If we didn’t like it, we wouldn’t do it!

And, why is it no one ever looks to the woman in these cases? It is always about the hedonistic man and his inability to keep his dick in his pants. And you get outcries of support for her, and her fragile being. Even T-shirts to dually show your concern, as well as your hope for the destruction of yet another ruinous man. Why can’t we ever accept as a society that sometimes a wife just can’t give you everything you need? Sometimes the woman in your life just doesn’t get it done. It’s quite possible Tiger’s dick hasn’t come out of his pants, in front of his wife, since the birth of his second child. These things happen. These so called specialists should be spending a lot more of their time and efforts looking into a male’s willingness to sexually desecrate the mother of his children.

I would imagine the desire to act on your sexual needs and aggressions gets incredibly diminished after children… but what would I know, I’m neither a psychologist nor a feminist.

So, I will wrap it up by adding my two cents: actors, rockstars, public figures, and athletes are always going to have copious amounts of ass thrown in their faces. Women can’t help themselves, and they are hand-picking, providing, and selling the proverbial desirous apple. My advice to these types of people would fall into two distinct buckets: 1.) do not get married until you are done with your careers, with craving the spotlight, and are for sure certain you are ready to settle down; and 2.) you should really be subscribing to bucket #1, but if you must get married, make sure you marry a woman that understands there are going to be instances on the road when you will be indeed, loving the one you’re with.

I believe my sentiments can be fully summarized with one more quote from Chris Rock: “That tiger didn’t go crazy… that tiger went tiger!” Think about it.

Image by BlankLogo Photography.

Smoking Hot: In Praise Of Women Who Smoke

December 2, 2009 Opinion 3 Comments


Personally, I am not a fan of cigarettes. Never have been, nor can I understand why individuals would go out of their way to allow such brutal impurities to enter so freely. Drag after drag, the harshly derived chemicals seep into your being, working diligently to conquer all that is viable, fresh, and living. Poisonous smoke lingers on your clothes, ages your skin, and blackens the shit out of your lungs.

However, with that said, I am here to explain why chicks who smoke make better lovers:

1.) The Ever-Apparent Oral Fixation

Since the beginning of time, women who have been more expressive with their hands and their mouths have been more expressive sexually. Smoking showcases both of these necessary traits beautifully. Just watch the way a woman lights her cigarette, the way it is held in her hand, the way her fingers lovingly caress the shaft – the act could not be more erotic. And, I haven’t even gotten to the mouth yet. Watch an attractive woman take a cigarette to her lips, and I promise you she will be auto added to the “bank.” Would be an act against nature to watch a woman delicately take a cigarette to her lips, close her eyes, lovingly inhale, and not imagine her naked beside you.

2) The World Behind the Eyes

It is also a well-known fact that by doing something trivial with your hands, your fingers, or your mouth, you will allow the unlocking of your creativity and imagination. The simple act of smoking releases the brain from focus, and allows it to drift into streams of consciousness. Smokers just do this more easily, as smoking allows their mind to wander towards the far reaches of fantasy. This phenomenon is why you often see actors with cigarettes or food in scenes; it was the easiest way to release the actors from their own thoughts, allowing them to bridge toward the thoughts of the characters being portrayed. I promise you this much: find a woman who is able to release from logical thought during a sexual experience, and you will understand what outer-body is all about.

3) An Easy In

Back in the day when I was terrorizing the various L.A. hotspots, there wasn’t a night I would venture out without my lucky lighter in hand. This practice would work magically on two fronts. First, it is a way to break the ice, and move stealthily into a beautiful woman’s personal space without causing her any alarm whatsoever. Without saying a single word, you are in, close, making contact, and showing her interest. Second, in situations where you are already engaged in conversation with a woman, nothing closes the deal like the lighting of her cigarette before she can even breathe the words “do you have a light?” Women who smoke are just simply more approachable, less likely to scare, and offer more opportunity for conversation.

4) Dramatic Scenery

Let me set this up for you. Imagine a lovemaking session that shakes the heavens and rattles the Gods. Immediately after, the two of you lie there, side by side. Sunlight trickling in through curtained spaces. Her skin tones contrasting beautifully with the stark white sheets… the profile of her curves writing the outline of a poetic verse… her long dark hair spread about the pillow like traces of a storied fable… her eyes casting glances that could conquer empires. You are thinking to yourself that this is single-handedly the sexiest scene you have ever seen in your entire life! She then reaches for her cigarettes and lighter, lies back down, and ignites. As she exhales, the air around you thickens. Streaks of light appear overhead. The smoke encircles your existence, slowing movements and speeding thoughts. All of a sudden, it’s clear that the cigarette is the artist, and the two of you are the muse.

5) Did I Mention the Oral Fixation?

If you don’t know the difference between a girl who smokes putting her lips on your cock versus a girl who doesn’t, then I truly feel sorry for you. Just try it on for size one of these days, and I promise you will understand. The ladies who smoke, or at least have smoked in their lives, tend to enjoy having you inside of their mouth almost as much as you enjoy being inside of their mouth. It’s a fact. They are more courageous, more inventive, and less likely to have that all too familiar gag reflex.

So gentlemen, grab yourselves a lucky lighter, and remember this powerful index for sexuality. Where there is smoke, I promise you, there will be fire…

Image by Av Flox.

Is Sex Overrated?

November 21, 2009 Opinion No Comments

Sex is overrated, says SmakNews. Below are their top ten reasons and our rebuttal.

1. Sex toys exist.
“Though an actual heartbeat is nice, it isn’t necessary.” If you think of sex as whatever activity preceding the orgasm, then, yes, I suppose all you’d need is something to assist in bringing that about. But the orgasm is just a small part of sex for me. I’m into the experience, the data that my sensory receptors are taking in, the way my body is perceiving this other body, the chemistry, the dance, the single entanglement within the chessboard of interactions–that’s sex for me. The bigger picture. A vibrator is as effective as hitting on my barista.

2. This B How Babby Is Formed
No sex means you don’t have to make any “morning-after stops at Planned Parenthood with your Mary-Kate Olsen sunglasses and yesterday’s makeup.” True, even the most careful person could have a condom-related fail. But then, the odds of dying in a car accident are higher and we never hesitate to step into ours–even if we’re only driving a block.

3. Food Is The New Sex
If you’ve read my column Is Food The New Sex?, you know what I’m talking about:

It’s a huge industry—all of it. Chefs are the new porn stars. We spend hours perusing produce. Everything is carefully inspected, selected, purchased, put away, then taken out, washed, cut up, mixed, put to the flame… Sex to a lot of us has lost its focus on the details. It’s lost its sensuality. The kitchen brings that careful attention to the senses right back. It resurrects eroticism

SmakNews agrees: “You see more ‘o faces’ at dining room tables than that majority of women’s bedrooms. Sad, I know.” This is not a good reason!

4. It’s A Tough Workout
“Sex is work.” I half want to let this one slide. I’ll be straight with you: once, I made the grave error of teaching an old lover a lazy sex position I picked up (off the Ars Amatoria, I believe?). I never saw the sort of high-energy sexual acrobatics I prefer again. Not once.

But, OK. Fine. I’ll be fair about it. Sex can be hard work if you end up with a borderline Tantric, Red Bull-chugging acrobat. But most people are not borderline Tantric, Red Bull-chugging acrobats. If you’re playing the field, you can easily select for endurance level in a lover as you can, oh, I don’t know, table manners.

5. It Takes Planning
“The occurrences for you to throw each other up against a wall and get down isn’t the norm,” writes SmakNews. “This isn’t Hollywood. Often there’s roommates, full stomachs, children, parents, or wall hangings that stop this all from happening… We already have enough scheduling to do in our lives, no need to pencil in sex time.” This has to be the most depressing thing I have ever heard. But I’ll admit it–I do it all the time. I totally schedule my sex, just as I do my alone time and my time with friends. I do this because these things matter–far more than that 5 o’clock meeting, if you ask me. Spontaneity killers? Please. If when you have sex is the only exciting thing about it, UR DOIN IT RONG.

Oh, PS: I’ve had sex in Hollywood–it wasn’t as great as sex in the Westside.

6. Sexually Transmitted Disease
“You don’t want to have to worry that every ingrown hair is actually a symptom of herpes.” Sexual health is a big deal and I’m a little surprised this wasn’t reason number one. I’m not going to moralize about it, but play it safe. Use a condom, get new partners tested, get yourself tested regularly. Your body is your pleasure thing. Consider it in your decisions and make sure others respect it.

7. It Can Overshadow Tenderness
“Sometimes when we’re so focused on sex, we forget that it also feels really amazing to just MAKE OUT.” I agree with this one hundred percent. I wouldn’t use it as a point in a list about how overrated sex is, or necessarily agree that making out like “horny teenagers” is really a tender, cuddly thing, but yes. Let’s bring making out, petting and all that third-base stuff back to the ball game, like, stat.

8. Morning-Afters
“Unless you’re in a relationship, there’s a chance that you may have to have an actual conversation with the person you boned. Sexual chemistry and mental chemistry aren’t always the same thing, you usually find that out after your second slice of morning-after bacon.” I don’t understand what kind of a passive idiot would impose this awkwardness on his or herself. It takes some grace to make an exit or kick someone out with decorum, but I’ll opt for rudeness over sitting around having breakfast with someone who makes me crazy.

This can also be entirely avoided by, you know, not sleeping with people with whom you can’t talk. Hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m just saying.

9. Sex Isn’t Always Amazing!
“Sometimes, he gets too excited, too fast, other times your rhythm is off, or your fumbling in all the wrong directions. The chances that you will be glowing with satisfaction 100% of the time are slim. That’s not reality.”

I have an aunt who always says, “life isn’t fair, get used to it.” When she says this, her husband always adds, “you’re gonna eat a lot of shit, so pray for a small spoon.” Their kid’s favorite expression is, “it is what it is.” No it isn’t, it is what you make it. Life isn’t fair or unfair, it is variables. Just as sex is a series of variables that largely depends on what you make it.

Am I missing the point? Am I not enough of a realist? Maybe. But let me tell you something–reality is the last thing I want in my sex. And guess what? If you approach it with that attitude, you can transcend reality. It’s all in approach, baby. Embrace it.

10. Your Body Isn’t Perfect
“We all have our insecurities and when you’re naked in front of someone, you’ve got to suck it up, or suck it in,” says the article. I’m going to defer to Sophia Loren on this one, because no one could say it better: “Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.” She’s right, you know. Besides, I don’t know about you, but when someone’s inside me, the absolute last thing I’m thinking is how not toned his abs are or whether his toenails are properly pedicured or his teeth need whitening or if the hairs between his eyebrows are under control.

So enough, go out there and enjoy some good, safe sex, will you?

If You’re Faking It, You’re Breaking It

November 11, 2009 Opinion No Comments

Patty Brisben, the CEO of Pure Romance, a sex toy party company, thinks you should never fake an orgasm.

“If you’re an orgasm faker, you are doing you and your spouse a major injustice!” she writes in a piece for Hitched Mag. “By faking pleasure, you’re not only neglecting your needs, but you aren’t being honest with your spouse.”

Ensuring your partner understands how to fill you is important, but focusing on orgasm alone is a disservice, too. For me, orgasm isn’t the goal of sex.

painI’ve been with men who could make me cum like that and men who rarely made me cum and guess what? The better lovers were not always the ones who made me cum. For me, sex isn’t about cumming.

In fact, I live in fear of sex as a race to the finish line. I had that once. It’s the dessication of the spirit.

Sex for me is not a simple craving satisfied by release. It’s a transcendental, all-encompassing thing–well, if it’s done right, anyway. Whereas making someone cum is pretty easy to understand, the ways to take someone to a whole different plane of existence is not easily spelled out.

There is no easy “find her clit, hit her G spot” prescription for it. Good sex requires energy, surrender, creativity, the suspension of reality, the orchestration of all the senses.

Notice I didn’t say it requires time. It doesn’t. It could be a quick thing. But its objective is different than hurrying it along and making everyone cum. Its objective is the experience.

The journey, if you will, as opposed to the destination.

I think if people focused on the experience as much as they worried on whether they were going to make me cum, we’d both really be able to let go and enjoy the moment. A moment crowned in eroticism and sensuality.

Image by Javier Soltero.

Should Condoms Be Required In Porn?

November 10, 2009 Opinion 3 Comments

I know, I know. Porn is all about the fantasy. You hate me for bringing reality into it. But I can’t help it. I live in Los Angeles and we had a pretty scary freak out in June when a performer was diagnosed with HIV.

We all think that the porn industry is safe–it has to be with all the juices flying around. But nothing is 100 percent certain. All it takes is one time with one person.

Darren James was a porn star for eight years before he was diagnosed HIV-positive in 2004. He told ABC how hard it is to pinpoint how he got infected: “There was just so many women pressed up in that short period of time. Sometimes it’d be 10 women in an orgy scene–nonstop. And you work from eight in the morning to maybe eight at night. And that’s one scene. All these women. Nonstop.”

James unknowingly passed the virus to co-workers.

“I’d known three girls I’d infected and I knew them,” James said. “They’re nice people and I felt bad.”

He is now campaigning to make condom use mandatory in the adult industry.

Sharon Mitchell runs the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation, which is where the June case of HIV in a performer was diagnosed. Wile in this case the virus was contained, no other performers appear to have been infected, and statistics show Los Angeles porn stars have a lower rate of STD infection than the general population, the case still raised concerns in the community.

Should condoms be required?

“The truth is that when people watch adult movies, they’re watching for the fantasy, and they don’t want to see condoms,” said Steve Hirsch the CEO of Vivid Entertainment, the biggest porn producer in the country. “It’s been proven over and over and over. Condoms in adult movies just don’t sell well. That’s just a fact.”

Currently, testing for STDs in the industry is voluntary, but Vivid requires performers to provide a clean bill of health every 30 days in order to work.

Of course, 30 days still leaves a window of risk open to performers.

“It’s not 100 percent, nothing is 100 percent safe,” the porn star Nikki Jayne said. “It would make me more nervous probably like, getting on a plane and thinking that the plane is going to crash. I don’t really think about it.”

When asked whether making condom use mandatory would help reduce risk, Hirsch and other industry insiders agreed it would only push production underground, making the situation even riskier.

“We produce as an industry about 10,000 movies a year,” said Hirsch. “Each movie has about five sex scenes, so that’s 50,000 scenes a year. Multiply it by five years and we’re talking about 250,000 scenes have been shot since 2004, and one person has tested positive. I like our track record.”

What do you think? Should condoms be mandatory on set? Would you watch porn that employed condoms?

I’m concerned about the risks this poses for performers. But guess what? I like my porn without condoms.

Information from ABC.

Nicole Kidman Betrays Womankind?

November 4, 2009 Hollywoody, News, Opinion No Comments

The media was in a tizzy about Nicole Kidman’s role as a goodwill ambassador for the United Nations Development Fund for Women a week ago. Why? Her roles in films betray the Sisterhood.

gqPer Janet Street Porter at The Independent: “she’s been raped in one film (Dogville), and had kinky sex with Tom Cruise in another (Eyes Wide Shut). She had a bath with a rather young boy (in Birth) and shagged Billy Zane in Dead Calm, her Hollywood debut–all in the name of art, of course.”

I have two things to say about this. First: violence against women is real. Their stories are real. Sanitizing film and television of these scenes is not really the answer. Secondly–there is a distinct different with exploring sexuality through BDSM and being brutalized. To say Kidman betrays womankind because she has kinky sex is to betray the segment of womankind who do enjoy healthy and fulfilling non-vanilla sexual relationships.

True to form, Nicole isn’t taking this one lying down. In an interview with British GQ, the usually reserved Kidman talked about exploring non-vanilla sex not just in film, but in her private life as well.

“I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,” she said.

Guess what? This is one of the truths of womankind. Just as having a choice about what projects you pursue in your career and what parts you play. If you can’t respect that, I’m afraid you’re the one betraying womankind.

Image of GQ cover via The New York Daily News.

Sex Line Prank Calls: Florida’s Tax Dollars Hard At Work

October 25, 2009 Opinion No Comments

Volusia County, Florida–you’ve heard of it, it’s where Daytona’s at. It seems they take their golf more seriously than they do their government and the interests of taxpayers and hard-working Americans.

According to The News-Journal, an Arkansas-based sex phone operator has been getting prank calls from Velusia County’s government center. Everyone is joking about how funny this is, but I don’t think it is.

First, they’re wasting time for which they are paid–that time belongs to the people of that county. But what bothers me more than the waste of tax dollars is the lack of entrepreneurial spirit. The sex phone operator is an American business owner and deserves respect, as well as to be paid for the time that this individual or individuals are wasting and the possible the loss of business that is resulting from the prank calls tying up her line.

Of course, “At this point, officials plan to do nothing about the issue,” The News-Journal reported. If it was PETA they were pranking, I’m willing to bet things would be a little different.

Sex Could Save Newspapers

October 21, 2009 Opinion No Comments

A biting piece by About.com’s sexuality expert Cory Silverberg takes on mainstream media’s portrayal of sex:

Nowhere is the disconnect between mainstream news production and the lives and experiences of those of us who consume it more apparent than in content about sexuality. New outlets love an excuse to run sexual content because they know it attracts readers. But they have to keep it superficial and ultimately judgmental because they live in fear of complaining advertisers. The result is content that reflects back a stereotype and fails to connect with anyone’s lived experience.

I’ve complained about this before, but it was brought home to me again after giving up 15 minutes of my life I’ll never get back on a barely readable article from Time Magazine about the greening of sex. Wanna guess the headline? It was Sex and the Eco-City. Aren’t there rules that a title of an article at least has to make sense? Although once you read the article you realize the title fits, since the piece is a bizarre collection of disconnected points and surfaces barely scratched. It’s a keen idea, too bad the picture of sexuality it offers is hot off the press releases real people’s experience of sex is nowhere to be seen.

Sex is important to people. Very important. If and when media outlets start treating the topic, and us, as one worthy of their, at times, considerable intelligence and formidable journalistic and analytic skills, they may find an energized and loyal audience is just waiting for them.

Two words, Cory: hell, yes.

Thumbnail image by Margo C.


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Gamers Won’t Be Seduced, Will Stare At Random Cleav Instead

That Steam allows the objectification and sexualization of female characters in a variety of its games but refuses to accept a game about actually engaging with women in a more interactive fashion is astonishingly backward.

FetLife Is Not Safe for Users

That the site doesn’t take measures to protect user content and has shown incompetence or negligence in regard to user privacy, all the while prohibiting victims from warning others about predatory behavior creates an environment where it is nearly impossible for members of the community to take care of themselves and one another. By enabling FetLife to continue espousing a code of silence, allowing the spinning self-created security issues as “attacks,” and not pointing out how disingenuous FetLife statements about safety are, we are allowing our community to become a breeding ground for exploitation.

Why You Should Vote No On Prop 35

Should people who benefit (parents, siblings, children, roommates!) from the earnings of “commercial sex acts” (any sexual conduct connected to the giving or receiving of something of value) be charged with human trafficking? Should someone who creates obscene material that is deemed “deviant” be charged as with human trafficking? Should someone who profits from obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should people transporting obscene materials be charged with human trafficking? Should a person who engages in sex with someone claiming to be above the age of consent or furnishing a fake ID to this effect be charged with human trafficking? What if I told you the sentences for that kind of conviction were eight, 14 or 20 years in prison, a fine not to exceed $500,000, and life as a registered sex offender?

Pretty and Calls Herself a Geek? Attention Whore!

If you are a woman, you might be given a chance to prove yourself in this community. Since there is no standard definition of what a “geek” is and it will vary from one judge to the next anyway, chances of failing are high (cake and grief counseling will be available after the conclusion of the test!). If you somehow manage to succeed, you’ll be tested again and again by anyone who encounters you until you manage to establish yourself like, say, Felicia Day. But even then, you’ll be questioned. As a woman, your whole existence within the geek community will be nothing but a series of tests — if you’re lucky. If you aren’t lucky, you’ll be harassed and threatened and those within the culture will tacitly agree that you deserve it.

Cuddle Chemical? Moral Molecule? Not So Fast

Zak’s original field, it turns out, is economics, a far cry from the hearts and teddy bears we imagine when we consider his nickname. But after performing experiments on generosity, Zak stumbled on the importance of trust in interactions, which led him, rather inevitably, to research about oxytocin. Oxytocin, you might remember, is a hormone that has been linked previously to bonding — between mothers and children primarily, but also between partners. What Zak has done is take the research a step further, arguing in his recent book, The Moral Molecule, that oxytocin plays a role in determining whether we are good or evil.

How to Avoid Pissing off a Stripper

Let’s talk about the strippers. Whether they like to be half-naked or not, whether they enjoy turning you on or not, there’s one thing they all have in common: they’re working. Whether you think that taking one’s clothes off for money is a great choice of career is really beside the point (is it a possibility for you to make $500 per hour at your job without a law degree? Just asking). These women are providing fantasy, yes, but that is their job. And as a patron of the establishment where they work, you need to treat them like you would anyone else who provides a service to you.


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