You may not get as much pussy as Tiger Woods, but you will be able to ogle another one of his mistresses in the buff soon thanks to Playboy.

Rachel Uchitel, who was paid big bucks to keep mum on the topic of her affair with the famous golfer, will be sharing her TNA with Playboy in the coming weeks for an undisclosed sum of money.

And here we thought the best route to riches was a ton of student debt for a piece of paper no one seems to care about. Will school guidance counselors please get their shit straight?

Image from Anorak.uk. Information from the Huffington Post.

OMG! TMZ has released a SHOCKING video of Miley Cyrus grinding hard on a homosexual man more than twice her age!

Behold the then-16-year-old back against 44-year-old Adam Shankman at the Last Song wrap party in Georgia:

Everyone freak out! A teenager is acting like a teenager. SO SHOCKING.

(If this classifies as distributing child pornography, we apologize in advance. We do not support illegal activity however illogical we may find the notion that a 16-year-old can make choices with a moving ton of steel capable of killing people, but not her own body, etc.)

Images and information from — who else? — our favorite scandal mongers over at TMZ.

Martial arts star Tito Ortiz was arrested last Monday on charges of domestic violence at the home he shares with former porn star Jenna Jameson. According to TMZ, the police stated Jameson had “visible injuries.”

Jameson left the house with her father after Ortiz was taken in handcuffs. She told a TMZ photographer she would be pressing charges.

“I’m gonna be alright,” she said through tears. “My babies are alright. Everything’s OK. He’s in jail.”

Her babies are her twin sons with Tito Ortiz, Jesse Jameson Ortiz and Journey Jett Ortiz, born in 2009, three years after the couple got together in 2006 — through MySpace.

At that point, Jameson’s last tweet, posted on Sunday, indicated nothing was amiss: “Me and Tito are at Sushi on Fire!”

On Monday evening, Ortiz held a press conference with his attorney and his side of the story is conflicting to say the least. Ortiz’s attorney Chip Matthews said that Jameson, who has been battling an addiction to the pain-killer OxyContin for the past year, relapsed on the morning of the incident. Fox News elaborates:

According to Matthews, on Monday morning the UFC champ confronted his girlfriend (and mother of their twin boys) about the drugs he had found and she denied it. Jameson was allegedly suffering an “emotional breakdown”, prompting a 911 call from Jameson’s father Larry who was reportedly not in the room at the time of the confrontation.

[ ... Matthews] also insisted that the police do not have to have visible signs of injury to make an arrest in domestic disputes, and that the police report indicated that Jameson had “a scratch on her elbow” which may explain why she was photographed leaving a CVS pharmacy wearing a medical brace on her right arm just hours after the arrest.

Jameson, overwhelmed with responses from users on Twitter threatened to quit the microblogging platform, but quickly returned, tackling some of her more vociferous detractors and issuing a few comments regarding the incident:

CNN has since reported that Jameson said she wanted to get back with Ortiz on Friday; unfortunately, Ortiz will still be prosecuted because it was the state of California, and not Jameson, who filed the charges against the martial artist. A restraining order is currently preventing Ortiz and Jameson from reuniting.

Information from Fox411, Fox News, CNN.

24 may be over, but Keifer Sutherland is still on a mission here and there. Most recently, the actor was spotted outside London’s Springfellows strip club at some ungodly hour of the morning, making a scene.

“He went bananas,” an unnamed source told The Sun. “Shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave.”

Bouncers were forced to hustle the shirtless actor from the premises, wrestling him all the way to his car. Thirty minutes after finally getting him into the vehicle, our own Jack Bauer fell out of it in front of his hotel, “giggling and with his jacket unbuttoned.”

Um. Well, glad he had a good time. We hope he tipped all the dancers well.

Information from The Sun.

We’re full of weird superstitions in this town, and the Oscars carry with them more than their fair share. On everyone’s lips right now is The Best Actress Curse. Celebritology’s Jen Chaney and Liz Kelly explain: “What’s the best actress curse? It’s the well-tread theory that when a woman wins an Academy Award for her stellar leading performance, that same woman should expect to split from her significant other sometime shortly after they return from the Vanity Fair after-party.”

The latest victim, as you have already heard, being proper TMZ culture vultures, is Sandra Bullock. Bullock, who recently won an Academy Award for her role in The Blind Side, moved out of her Southern California home following an exclusive in In Touch about her husband’s affair with camgirl and exotic dancer Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.

According to McGee, she believed James and Bullock were separated:

“I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man,” Michelle tells In Touch in an exclusive interview. “He gave me the impression they were separated.”

While Jesse was in Atlanta with Sandra when she started to film The Blind Side, Michelle sent West Coast Choppers a friend request because she hoped to snag a modeling gig there. She was surprised that it was actually Jesse who wrote back to her and told her to e-mail him at his personal e-mail.

From the start, Jesse wanted to meet Michelle, and it was never about business: “He started saying, ‘Do you want to hang out?’” So a week after he got in touch, Michelle drove two hours from her San Diego home to West Coast Choppers in LA.

“I got there around 9 at night,” remembers Michelle, who was starstruck at first. “I was like, ‘Holy s**t. It’s really Jesse James.’”

After taking Michelle on a tour of his garage, Jesse brought her into his office and locked the door.

“We ended up on the couch,” she says. “He wanted to watch movies, but I asked him, ‘What’s going on with you and Sandra?’ He said, ‘She doesn’t live here. She has a house in Austin. She is filming, and I can’t talk about it.’”

Assuming he and Sandra were separated, Michelle continued talking to Jesse, she says, and then, “We had intimate relations.” Michelle says she and Jesse had sex “two or three times,” that night — and began what she believed was a serious relationship, texting each other several times a day, and meeting up for sex at least twice a week for the next five weeks.

Mary Gusman, close friend of McGee’s told Radaronline.com that McGee felt betrayed by James.

“Jesse James did kind of deceive her because she really honestly was under the impression that he and his wife were living in different houses,” Gusman said. “It’s really true that she believed him and his wife were going separate directions.”

According to Technorati, McGee collected close to $30,000 for her exclusive to In Touch.

As for James, he issued an ambiguous apology. According to a report from E! Online, the television star had the following to say:

“There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It’s because of my poor judgment that I deserve every bad thing that is coming my way. This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me.”

James makes no mention of Michelle “Bombshell” McGee or any specific crimes against his family. And he’s not planning on doing so.

“The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.”

Photo from TMZ. Information from In Touch and other sources as referenced.

I had a boyfriend who told me I would never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail,” the 24-year-old award-winning pop icon tells readers in Cosmo’s April issue (we read Cosmo so you don’t have to — see how much we love you guys?).

Gaga did not dump the imbecile on the spot. But she did threaten him: “Someday when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the fucking deli without hearing or seeing me.”

As Christine Spines notes in the article, most women say dumb things like that to assholes we’re dating.

But Gaga made it happen.

There’s something in that. That something is called dedication. Gaga is entirely devoted to her career.

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams,” Gaga says. “If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

Photo by Kenneth Willardt for Cosmopolitan. Information from Cosmopolitan, April 2010.

Kendra Wilkinson has vowed to celebrate a Colts Superbowl victory with lots and lots of sex.

Hank Baskett’s likely response: “babyyyy, I just won a freakin’ Superbowl… can’t you just blow me really quick instead?”

Image from urbandaily. Information from dbtechno.

Cheater du jour Tiger Woods has left the sex rehab center in Mississippi and been reunited with his wife and two children, according to RadarOnline.

Wood’s wife, Elin Nordegren, has dropped her divorce lawyer and while she’s still not wearing her wedding band, rumor has it she’s committed to working on her marriage for the sake of their children.

If you recall, the golfer was caught having an affair last year. Since then, 19 women have been romantically linked to him, many of them stepping forward with gory deets about their canoodlings.

Is there life after infidelity? We’ll have to see.

Image from The Huddle. Information from the Huffington Post.

Proof positive that you can be a sleazy douchebag even if you’re a cute chick, we present to you Tila Tequila, the Singapore-born MySpace sensation, reality TV favorite and tabloid fodder:

All righty, then. Mind you, we love Tila, but, really?

Via Twitter, on an unrelated e-stalking expedition.