Last night, we overheard someone at the bar talking about a “laser-guided teat finder.” We became irrationally excited by the strides in technology that have enabled us to arrive at this point, this brilliant point of glittering pasties and laser-guided nipple-finders. What it would be used for, we had no clue. Nor did we particularly care. We wanted pictures. So we jumped on our phones, eager to discover this obvious zenith of mammary-related innovation. This is what we found.

Ah, that makes sense. We’re such a bunch of boobs sometimes. Can you blame us though?

Image from Lely.

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It was one of those square bingo-looking grids, the ones where each square has a descriptor and people tag their friends on them accordingly. Our editrix had been tagged as “has the prettiest eyes.” She was immediately conflicted — this looks fun, but who past the age of 13 does this sort of thing? Clearly, we need a more “adult” version to override the silliness of it all. Feel free to take it and unleash havoc on your own friends’ walls.

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Via BlogHer’s Wall of Shame.

The kids at h-spot hate surveys these days — they could care less if “a 34-year-old Cosmo-reading heffer from Ohio would be up for a 3-sum.” So they made their own. Tasking interns to find a proper sample of “do-able” women from four different college campuses: Harvard, Notre Dame, University of Texas and our very own USC.

Their findings may not surprise you, but they will amuse you.

College guys rated above average at oral.

Colleges where women want more sex.

Which school has the most sex cred?

Guys from what school probably suck in bed?

The researchers offer the following summary:

Guys at Notre Dame must beat-off like monkeys. Dudes at UT should never ever leave college. Harvard guys truly are brilliant [they’ve somehow convinced Harvard girls into believing that they are happy having sex without a relationship (or at least have not gotten in the way of girls believing this)]. Guys at USC have it almost as good as UT dudes.

No one gets exactly what they want; everyone lies about sex; and in college guys have no idea how to go down on a girl.

We learned that even though it’s 2010 and all of these girls grew up watching the same TV shows, reading the same magazines, and checking out the same websites, that the cultural differences that still remain are enormous. Only 41% of Notre Dame women were willing to admit on an anonymous online survey that they masturbate, while 85% of UT girls had no problem offering this information. You’d expect such dramatically different results from women separated by 40 years, not 940 miles.

This is how they break it down for every school.

Notre Dame
Most fascinating stat: 45% of ND women are virgins
The lie: Out of all the schools, ND girls said they were least interested in having more sex.
The reality: Over 1/3 of these “good girls” hope to hook-up with a guy the first night they meet him. This compares to 7% of USC girls and 4% of UT chicks.

Harvard
Most fascinating stat: 46% have had or are into the idea of having a 3-sum
The lie: Harvard women are happy being single.
The reality: 76% of all Harvard women want to go on more dates. This was 10 percentage points higher than any other school. While it may conflict with their notion of the ‘modern woman’, these women desperately desire a boo.

USC
Most fascinating stat: 20% lost virginity by the time they 15-years-old
The lie: That they won’t have sex with a guy unless they’re in love with them (60%!).
The reality: While only 20% of these girls told us that they’ve been in love with a dude from USC; 48% have had sex with Trojan.

Texas
Most fascinating stat: 85% masturbate
The lie: That only 4% hope to hook-up when they go out at night.
The reality: Every other answer they gave to the survey — make sure you check it out for some daily lolz.

Graphs, image and info from h-spot.

This week’s jewel comes to you via someecards, the epitome of cool when it comes to e-cards.

Click to send one to someone you dig!

This week’s jewel comes to you via someecards, the epitome of cool when it comes to e-cards.

Click to send one to someone you dig!

This week’s jewel comes to you via someecards, the epitome of cool when it comes to e-cards.

Click to send one to someone you dig!