The third movie of the Twilight saga series is out and it was only a matter of time before the spoofs started followed in full. Introducing the hypersexualized version of the hit saga — you can thank us later.

It was a typical day for our editrix of hacking through the contents of her inbox to try to get some sense of what the week would look like. Suddenly, a notification from Facebook — she’d been tagged in a photo! Always the narcissist, or perhaps always aware of the tinge on her conscience, she clicked immediately.

It was one of those square bingo-looking grids, the ones where each square has a descriptor and people tag their friends on them accordingly. Our editrix had been tagged as “has the prettiest eyes.” She was immediately conflicted — this looks fun, but who past the age of 13 does this sort of thing?

Clearly, we need a more “adult” version to override the silliness of it all. Feel free to take it and unleash havoc on your own friends’ walls.

The g-shot, a $1,200 injection of collagen to the g-spot that helps it become more prominent and is said to revolutionize your sex life, recently got some air-time that was… amusing to say the least. Watch the whole thing for the full lolz:

Via BlogHer’s Wall of Shame.

The kids at h-spot hate surveys these days — they could care less if “a 34-year-old Cosmo-reading heffer from Ohio would be up for a 3-sum.” So they made their own. Tasking interns to find a proper sample of “do-able” women from four different college campuses: Harvard, Notre Dame, University of Texas and our very own USC.

Their findings may not surprise you, but they will amuse you:

College guys rated above average at oral.

Colleges where women want more sex.

Which school has the most sex cred?

Guys from what school probably suck in bed?

The researchers offer the following summary:

Guys at Notre Dame must beat-off like monkeys. Dudes at UT should never ever leave college. Harvard guys truly are brilliant [they’ve somehow convinced Harvard girls into believing that they are happy having sex without a relationship (or at least have not gotten in the way of girls believing this)]. Guys at USC have it almost as good as UT dudes.

No one gets exactly what they want; everyone lies about sex; and in college guys have no idea how to go down on a girl.

We learned that even though it’s 2010 and all of these girls grew up watching the same TV shows, reading the same magazines, and checking out the same websites, that the cultural differences that still remain are enormous. Only 41% of Notre Dame women were willing to admit on an anonymous online survey that they masturbate, while 85% of UT girls had no problem offering this information. You’d expect such dramatically different results from women separated by 40 years, not 940 miles.

This is how they break it down for every school.

Notre Dame
Most fascinating stat: 45% of ND women are virgins
The lie: Out of all the schools, ND girls said they were least interested in having more sex.
The reality: Over 1/3 of these “good girls” hope to hook-up with a guy the first night they meet him. This compares to 7% of USC girls and 4% of UT chicks.

Harvard
Most fascinating stat: 46% have had or are into the idea of having a 3-sum
The lie: Harvard women are happy being single.
The reality: 76% of all Harvard women want to go on more dates. This was 10 percentage points higher than any other school. While it may conflict with their notion of the ‘modern woman’, these women desperately desire a boo.

USC
Most fascinating stat: 20% lost virginity by the time they 15-years-old
The lie: That they won’t have sex with a guy unless they’re in love with them (60%!).
The reality: While only 20% of these girls told us that they’ve been in love with a dude from USC; 48% have had sex with Trojan.

Texas
Most fascinating stat: 85% masturbate
The lie: That only 4% hope to hook-up when they go out at night.
The reality: Every other answer they gave to the survey — make sure you check it out for some daily lolz.

Graphs, image and info from h-spot.

While you’re out on the town havin a blast, we here at Sex and the 405 are surfing the web so that you don’t have to. Don’t you just love it? Now check out this little jewel we dug up from the bowels of Tumblr.

I will not be your father!

A clearer concept has never existed.

Via Parisbunny.

As much as we like to poke fun at our editrix and her misadventures around town, we have to say she’s got your back. Look at the following exchange that went down between her and a representative from the lube company Wet.

From: Wet
To: Sex and the 405
Subject: Wet Intimacy Products
Date: Monday, April 19, 2010, 1:19 PM

Hi,

I represent Wet, the word’s best selling of personal lubricants and intimacy products and was reaching out to see who would be the best person to contact about product review or inclusion in stories. Wet offers more than 80 different products – and no matter a person’s age, gender, sexual preference or comfort level, Wet has a product to fit each individual’s intimate needs. Please feel free to check out the website www.stayswetlonger.com.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Our editrix, not to miss a beat, replied:

From: AV Flox
To: Wet
Subject: Re: Wet Intimacy Products
Date: Monday, April 19, 2010 8:21 PM

Hello,

That would be me. I’m the editor of Sex and the 405.

We have for a while thought about doing a sponsored event. How would you feel about Wet sponsoring a night of wild girl-on-girl fun? We’ll dress up, dress down, cover ourselves in lube so we’re glistening, and get tangled.

I’ll write about it, of course. And hopefully in the course of the evening, we’ll get some delightful photos.

AVF

Wet, unfortunately, declined to participate in our wild girl-on-girl orgy.

American politics can get pretty complex, so we here at Sex and the 405 are always thrilled to death when the media steps up to explain what’s going on.

Amazing:

Photo by @fatjew, via @Percival.

From “I want to suck your duck” to “go to he’ll,” our iPhones sure know how to kill the moment. Our favorites come from Twitter’s Kevin Thau and our editrix herself.

To give some context to this one, PR pro Nicole Jordan was inquiring about what was taking our editrix and Causecast correspondent Melissa Rowley so long to arrive at a get-together. (Noming is lolspeak for eating, FYI. Oh, and lolspeak is the language of the cat macros. Oh, never mind, we tried.)

Got more lolsy auto-corrects? Send them in!

Relationships are complicated! Every time we look at the stuff from which to pick on Facebook, we practically get nosebleeds. To this end, we submit the following cartoon by Rob Cottingham as a guide for the next Facebook overhaul:

You laughed, admit it.

Cartoon by Rob Cottingham, via Jalam1001.

OK, so you’re getting married. Vegas is right next door — why not? Our buddies over at CasinoGuide have some activities for you to consider. Our top five:

Marry a Stripper
Face it, the little lady back home is a shrew. “Blah blah blah equality”. “Blah blah blah me me me”. Ditch the bitch. Las Vegas is full of strippers with hearts of gold. They cook, they are sweet, and they take their clothes off for money so that you don’t have to get a job. What more could you want in a spouse?

Gamble All of Your Money Away
The less money you have, the less it will hurt to lose half. Liquidate your assets, and piss it all away. If your fiance is mad when you get home, then she just wanted you for your money anyway. When she leaves you at the altar, get a ride back to Vegas and marry a stripper with a heart of gold.

Hire a Really Hot Nanny
Most of our faux-rich residents are now upside-down on their homes, which means that hot nannies have flocked to stripper poles in droves. Just because you don’t find the spouse of your dreams at the local nudie bar doesn’t mean that you can’t take her home. Think of the children.

Sleep In
When your wife has a career and children, society will regard her as “Super Woman”. When you have a career and children, society will still regard you as a lazy asshole.

Now get up and mow the lawn.

Asshole.

Two Chicks, No Cups
Escorts/strippers/ho’s are like potato chips. You can’t just eat one. Scratch that, for the sake of your own health you should never eat any of the above, but there is no good reason that you can’t pay the potato chips to eat each other. Food for thought.

Photo by AV Flox. Exceprt from CasinoGuide. If you can’t tell this is supposed to be a humorous article, then we really don’t know what to tell you. Even our editrix thought this was funny and she never laughs — like, ever. Unless a tank is running over a Prius or something.