By all indications, the Adult Video News (AVN) Awards were a train wreck this year, so thank God you weren’t there. We’d say we braved the madness for you, but that would be a blatant lie. We had an epic weekend and picked up the press release when we got home. Lazy blogging — it’s an art.
In any event, here’s a run down of the award-winning accouterments, because if you’re anything like us, you’re always on the market to take things up a notch.
Best Lingerie or Apparel Company
Baci Lingerie is quickly becoming the hottest seduction item on the market with its brand of glam underthings. Paying as much attention to its photo shoots as it does its products, their collection catalog leaves every other brand in the dust. Forget Victoria’s Secret angels, with their slow but certain volte face into demure respectability: you deserve a heavenly upgrade.
Best Overall Sex Toy Line
Look closer — this is not your average lipstick and compact. OhMiBod’s Bedroom Kandi line has everything you need for discreet pleasure on the go. Don’t be deceived by the size — these vibes pack serious power and are whisper-quiet to boot. And forget fumbling for batteries — these babies are USB rechargeable for the technophile on the go.
Best Party, Game or Gag Product
Adult Trading Cards by Adult Trading Card Company bring a little fun to the memories of trading cards of our youth. As recovering Magic addicts (go ahead, judge us), we’d love to see their Fantasy Series developed into an actual game. Then again, we’d probably never post again if they did.
Best Sex Toy for Couples
The We-Vibe II is the only vibe that can be worn during sex. Shaped like a horseshoe, you insert one end into you and let the other hover over your clitoris. The part of the vibe that slides inside you is shaped to allow normal penetration (unless you’re our editrix and are sleeping with a man with a monster cock, anyway), allow both of you to enjoy the vibrations while going at it.
Best Sex Toy for Men
For the same reason that we lol at vibrators and dildos that are pink and cute and obviously created to appeal to us pink-and-cute loving females, we lol at Fleshlight’s Blade, which goes out of its way to ensure that buyers don’t dwell too much on the fact that they’re fucking their hands. It’s not just a sex toy, you see, it’s the hilt of a samurai sword! YOU MAY BE JACKING OFF, BUT YOU ARE A POWERFUL WARRIOR! To its benefit, how can Fleshlight — a company that revolutionized men’s solo pleasure — actually improve such a perfect offering? This is their first new product in a decade, and it’s come a long way, both in terms of internal texturing for maximum pleasure, and a squeezable exterior to provide more control of the experience than ever before.
Best Sex Toy for Women
The story goes that a group of researchers were working to create a product that strengthened the pelvic floor and that during trials, nearly everyone who tried the prototype had insane, explosive orgasms. Astonished — because apparently no researcher working with women’s nether bits would ever imagine that sustained stimulation there would EVER result in an orgasm — they took their contraption to Jopen, whose all-women development team added a G-spot stimulator on the shaft and vibe for the clit and turned it into the sex toy to end all sex toys. We can’t vouch for the veracity of the story or say Intensity will strengthen your pelvic floor, but we can say you’ll orgasm. Hard.
Best Fetish Product
Here’s one that will get anyone fighting for conservation to agree with the crazies at PETA: a butt plug with a tail attached made of real fur. The Crystal Minx Plug With Tail by Crystal Delights, and other plugs in its collection are made of Pyrex glass and are 3.3 inches in length and 1.4 inches in width. No word on whether the fur actually comes from foxes, minxes, and lynxes.
Curious about who else won? Check out the full list.